Respect

If this is your first visit to my blog, please read the intro.

Good evening. You seem to be well rested and contented?

Hi Frank! Yes, I had been looking forward to our next chat, you know.

Tell me, how did what you learnt about trust make a difference in your life?

Interesting… trusting that others are not interested to harm me (well, most people most of the time; let’s not be naïve), or cheat me, or repeat the mistakes they committed not to repeat, has actually made me more open to people in general. Even more interesting – the moment I started trusting The Process, abundant opportunities suddenly appear. Some are uncannily close to what I wanted. What I have to be wary of now is doubt. Trusting prepares my mind to receive a myriad blessings, but doubt immediately chase them away – like a flock of finches in the veldt that were frightened by the shadow of a cat.

Good! Francois, the next question is serious one. What are you responsible for?

Well, I am responsible to pay my bills and to be a law abiding citizen. I am responsible to do my work to the best of my ability, for the team that reports to me, for certain processes at work… for feeding my pets and watering my garden. –Laughs– If I had been married and had children I would be responsible for my family, that they are healthy, safe – that they can thrive. And that they become law abiding citizens and so on…

So if I summarise it that you are responsible for everything you do, say, think and feel…

Yes, but I can think of two instances where that is not true. If someone makes me angry I am not responsible for my feelings. And I am responsible for the behaviour and performance of the people that reports to me.

Think carefully about this. The people in your team do what you expect them to do because they gave you permission to influence their actions and words. They will still feel what they feel and think what they think. And it is up to them whether they do what is expected of them or not. You really have no control over them without their permission. Have you asked their permission, so by the way?

No. This is a humbling and sobering thought. They must trust me tremendously because they follow my lead.

Good for you. It may mean that your integrity is visible to others, that your mood is consistent and pleasant. But I am worried about something you said earlier. If you believe and act that others are responsible for how your feel, your team may not be following, they may be conforming just so that you don’t become upset or angry.

OK, Frank, let me give you an example. If I walk in the bush and I see a mamba, I get a fright – I am scared immediately, the adrenalin hits my brain within a split second and I make the quickest mid-stride u-turn you can imagine. The emotion is part of the experience.

Good example. Now, let’s slow down the part between where you see what you think is the snake and the appearance of the feeling of fright. Slow it down 1000 times. What do you notice?

I told myself: “SNAKE!”

Yes, you did. And I know you to be curious enough to first run away very fast and then come back to see if it was really a mamba. Say that what you saw was a piece of the root of a tree exposed above the soil. You got frightened by what you told yourself in that split second before the adrenalin kicked in. As a matter of fact the adrenalin kicked in because of what you told yourself, not what you saw. Your nervous system gave the incorrect meaning to what you saw in a millionth of a second. Your senses provide you with information, that is all. You give meaning to the information, and this is done with internal dialogue. If you slow down all your reactions you will find a little voice in your head telling you something about the information. The meaning you give things is based on your expectations.

Mmm- I can see how that can be so. In other words we see what we expect to see.

Believing is seeing!

But isn’t most of our emotions instinctive? You know, fight or flight…

Emotion is secondary information – we produce it, not the event or thing we experienced with our senses. Yes, anger and fright have their places in survival – they are useful in that sense. When they become a hindrance is when they are inappropriately produced. Our anger tells us that our expectations had been disappointed or that one of our values had been violated. Cool – it points the way for appropriate action; it should not be expressed inappropriately and should not be suppressed.

Agreed. So, I am responsible for my feelings. All of them.

Yes. And every individual human being is responsible for only for what they themselves say, do, feel and think. Sometimes it is appropriate to give someone permission to control our actions, or let me rather say ‘direct’ our actions. Teams, tribes and peoples have achieved amazing things by following leaders and thinkers.

Frank, they have also done terrible things by following Hitler, for example.

True. Remember that people make the best decisions with the information they have at hand at the moment. Let me ask you something. You know Johannesburg reasonably well, don’t you?

Yes…

And you could, if you wanted to, in your minds see the whole city from above.

Yes, more or less.

Yet, the city does not fit into your head, so somehow you must have a representation of it in your neurology.

Yes. And no thank you, I don’t what all of Jo’burg in my head! A map is enough to get me from where I am to where I need to be.

How did you feel when you landed in London last year?

Lost, a little scared. Thank heavens I could trust friends to show me around, show me how to use the tube. It is as if most of the city is underground – the map I remember best of that place is the tube map. After a couple of days I could get myself anywhere I liked to be.

Mmmm – perhaps the map the Germans had was also not the map Hitler and his cronies were using. Let me get back to the point – Johannesburg versus the space in your head… Is it fair to say that the map is not the territory?

Yes, absolutely. It is a representation.

And if I say that you know Jo’burg differently than your friends know it…

You bet. I use certain streets more than others because I live where I live, work where I work and my friends live where they live… Same for them. Also, some of them had grown up here, so they have a historical view…

Would you say that your brother has a different ‘map’ of your mother than you do?

Sure – he has spent more time in the house than I have, for one thing. He also got to know her much later than I did since I am 9 years older than he is. And he has seen her in different circumstances than I have. Ah, I know where you are going with this… he is a different person too – so his map should be different.

Quite right. What is important to remember is that people have different maps and that we act on our maps, or from our maps. Some maps are more useful than others, and that is OK, because they can be discarded, or updated. The richer the info on the map, the more resourceful and flexible the individual’s responses and actions.

So if everyone’s maps are valid there are no wrong maps!?

Yes. And you have to respect that. That was an instruction, Francois, not a suggestion. You don’t have the right to judge, diminish or change anyone’s maps of reality. This is the ultimate respect – accepting and leaving maps as they are.

That is going to be very difficult. Part of my work entails changing people’s attitude towards work, to teach them to do their job, to get them to like the organisation, to follow the rules, to look after themselves, to care for customers, to treat each other well. I am changing maps all the time.

No you are not. You are offering new information and because of the permission people gave you to have authority, they update their own maps. So, most of the time, you share knowledge. Changing someone else’s map has more to do with changing their values, beliefs, attitudes. If you don’t have permission or if you have not been requested to do this, it is manipulation. Manipulation is an act of extreme disrespect.

Phew – that is a very fine line. Where do I draw the line between offering information, in an advertisement, for example, and subtly manipulating someone’s desire to buy the product?

Yes, that is quite a moral dilemma. You noticed that tobacco is not advertised any more and I hope soon alcohol will follow. Professional advertising associations do their best to ensure that advertisements are more or less accurate and morally responsible – according to the map they have come to hold of what is acceptable and what not.

OK, Frank I have a sticky question for you, talking of maps, respect and permission. You know, for some people it is quite alright if someone makes a sexual advance. They expect it, welcome it even. Others are a little more reserved. “Don’t touch me unless invited.” How will I know when the invitation is open and when not?

If your prospective partner is serious about a relationship she will tell you how she likes to be approached in many subtle and not so subtle ways. Listen. And if you can’t make out the signals, ask. Strange question, Francois. One should think that a man does not mind how he is approached –

I do mind. And I want to respect my partner’s map so I will approach her the way she prefers. The trick is, I think, to read her right.

I know of no one that can read minds, so forget the reading, OK. It is not a trainsmash if you get it wrong the first time. Thereafter you know what the map is. What is important is that you respect yourself in this case too.

What do you mean?

Don’t compromise. If you are approached the way you don’t like make sure your partner knows it and how you prefer to be approached. If you don’t communicate your preference from the onset and wait for her to read your mind or your body language, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and a very explosive situation later on.

What if the two maps are irreconcilable?

What is more important – the sex or the relationship? If the relationship is truly more important, then you will find ways to accommodate each other. If it feels strange if you need to approach her in a way you yourself don’t like to be approached it may mean you expect her map to be the same as yours. That is not respecting her.

Mmm – do you mind if I doubt this until my map is updated with evidence to either confirm or refute that?

Of course not.

Frank, it is time for me to go to sleep. We can chat again tomorrow.

Sure. May your dreams refine and update your maps so that your relationships with colleagues, family, friends and lovers are respectful in the way you learnt tonight.

Thanks.

Good night, Frank.