Be the change...

… there are short cuts to change, learning and motivation…

Good morning, Francois.

Hi Frank, what have you been up to?

I’ve been thinking.

What about?

Well, you know in life there is enough uncertainty, nastiness, greed, trouble.  People can be trusted to do one thing - serve their own interest. It is a wonder that things go so well most of the time!

Morbid thoughts, Frank. Shouldn’t we rather talk about something more positive?

Oh, we are going to.  I don’t have to caution against the Pollyanna effect…

What’s that?

The way I understood it in the past is being overly optimistic, saying that all is fine even when the walls are collapsing around you.  That is the extreme version.  The nicely defined version is that we tend to agree with positive statements about ourselves and that our nonconscious seems to be more positive that our conscious mind process.

OK, Frank.  You can play with Pollyanna and I’ll play with Pygmalion.

Nice one!  Yes, believing in people, and especially believing that they are good and  could be great helps to create a climate and environment where that would become true.

Yes.  If you believe people are ‘children’ and should be treated like that (even though you say differently), the people will start acting like children.

Phew!  Self-fulfilling prophesy… vicious cycle… your belief had just been fed with evidence.

So Frank, we know that people will always serve self interest and we know that moral action is not exactly natural, although there seems to be an area in the brain that helps us make moral judgments…what do we need to believe about people that would create this mythical environment you are talking about.

Hey, I’m no utopian!  Before I share the beliefs with you, remember, the confidence you have must be 100% congruent.  If it is not authentic, it has no power!  There are ways we look at people that are exactly the opposite of helpful –

·         People generally dislike effort and try to avoid it.

·         People mostly lack ambition, avoid responsibility, and prefer to follow rather than lead.

·         People are self-centered and don't care about community goals and the wellbeing of the people around them.

·         People resist change, can’t or don’t want to learn and are not interested to improve themselves and their environment.

·         Most people are easily tricked and not particularly smart.

I can see how that mindset can prevent anything positive from coming from people, Frank.  There are actually people that have this belief system, these values?

Unfortunately yes.  It goes hand in hand with a ‘culture’ of entitlement.  ‘I deserve to be…’  ‘Life owes me…’  ‘I did not ask for…’

So what should we believe instead?

·         Making effort is as naturally enjoyable as recreation and rest.

·         People will be self-directed if they understand how what they want ties into the greater good of their community, family or culture.

·         People will be committed to achieving personal and social goals if their contributions and efforts are acknowledged and if they understand how it enriches them too.

·         People typically seek responsibility and are able to handle that responsibility in the kind of climate these beliefs create – such an environment encourages creativity and ingenuity.

Wow!  It’s very different from the “if you don’t work you don’t eat” kind of ethic… and it does not deny self interest, it just harnesses it for the greater good…

Yes, that and it implies empowerment… if we allow people to grow themselves positively, express their greatness, satisfy their curiosity – not at the cost of anything or anyone, but for their benefit – we are creating a climate for change, for learning, for growth, for cooperation and for a good future for all.

I see your point now… even though we know that our first impulse is selfish and not necessarily moral, believing in people’s moral side, their goodness, will just help to create the climate for their decisions to be moral, to be good.

Absolutely.

Frank, this is still a bit philosophical for me… How?

Ah, I knew you’d ask that.  Well for starters surround yourself with good people. 

Easier said than done. 

Sure.  You can do that in two ways – find the ones that are good, or turn some of the neutral and bad ones into good ones.

How?

Just be nice to people in the moment – in most cases they will respond positively.  Over time the more nasty ones will also come around. Reinforce good behaviours – thank, compliment, cooperate, show concern, involve – these are but a few of many positive things you can do to activate the pleasure centres of even the staunchest scarcity believers. 

OK, but will their being better behaved towards me guarantee their behaving better towards everybody, and most of the time?

All you need to do is to create a climate where they can change their own beliefs.  Wanting to change people ‘to be better’ falls within the first set of beliefs, Remember that.  So to answer your question, by creating a climate where they can’t maintain their old behaviours they also become better behaved towards others.  For an even greater effect, teach those that are positive and passionate about it how to be aware of the impact their behaviour has on others and to modulate it for the good of all.

Sounds very good…

Ah, yes, before I forget… have a look at Betari’s box.  Everything starts with you having a positive attitude.  If you do, you behave differently, and if you behave differently the people around you can’t help it – their attitudes change too.

OK Frank, enough already.  You sound like a motivational speaker.

You mean this is too “Ra-ra” for you?

Yes.  Give me some concrete scientific stuff to work with.  Make it real.

Alright.  In any of your interactions with people, if you want them to cooperate, to learn, to change, make sure that you activate the pleasure centres in their brains by minimising threats to their SCARF.

I take it that is an acronym and not a piece of clothing.

Yes, and it is a very nifty model. Where was I...?  Make sure that you minimise threats to their sense of Status in experience, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness and Fairness.

We’ve spoken about dominance and submission before, so I get that…

Sure, and here it is about relative status in the ‘pecking order’, not necessarily about being top dog.  If anyone experiences being pushed down in the pecking order, the fight or flight response kicks in and rationality goes out the door.  Bye-bye cooperation and learning.

I guess the same goes for when people are confused, the environment or ‘future’ they need to navigate being too unfamiliar?

Yes, and the same goes for if their free will, choice and freedom of action is taken away – when they are forced to do it “my way or take the highway.”

Interesting that if we lose our sense of belonging and connectedness we also go into defence mode.

Yes!  We are ultimately social creatures and if we experience that we are being singled out cut off of our social group or being ostracised, we don’t take to it very well.  Fair play is also very important.

So I take it that the moment we sense that we are being manipulated or being taken for a ride, or being herded down an avenue we would not have selected ourselves, we go ‘stubborn.’  But we said that people are not inherently stubborn… yet, it may look like that.

Sure, and good insight.  The moment you notice stubbornness in someone’s behaviour it is because they perceive a situation to be threatening.

Surely that’s their problem, not mine?

Nope.  If you are someone that works with people, with their learning and their motivation, you know better – it is your responsibility to create the climate where they learn comfortably.  As a matter of fact you must ensure that their experience is so effortless that they don’t even notice that they have made the changes they wanted or that was necessary for them to make.

So that’s not manipulation?

No.  Manipulation is when free will is taken away by subtle means.  You would be respecting free will here.

OK Frank, I need to go digest all of this.

That’s a good idea.  There are a couple of main things to remember – if you want others to display good-will towards you and everyone else, you can create the climate where this becomes a reality.  It all starts with your belief about people and your attitude towards them.  Just be friendly and remember to give them a sense of SCARF.  In a climate like this, people learn easily, cooperate, and make the changes that they need to make.

No mess no fuss.

*Both laugh*

The main thing is how does what we talked about change the way you deal with people?

 Well, I could give you an answer now, but how would I really know before I have tried any of this?

Good point.  Go do it. And get feedback so that you know if it works.

Sure.

So, let these learnings find their way into every cell of your brain and your body, every corpuscle of your being and begin to become powerful – a positive charge that are irresistible… and fun.

Thanks Frank.  And may your thinkings be fruitful until we chat again.

Learning - neither 101 or 2.0 - but cave-man style

If this is your first visit to Conversations with Frank, please read the intro.

… the power of patience, reflection and conversation…

Good morning, Francois!

Hi, Frank. What monkey do you have in the bag today?

*Both laugh*

Well, a monkey it is indeed.  I have a story for you.

Ah!  I can’t wait.  What is it about?

Softlee, softlee catchee monkee.

Is that the name of the story?

No, that is my way of telling you to be patient and let the story come to you.

Alright.  I’m comfortable and ready to listen.

One day, a very, very long time ago when people still lived in caves there was a hunter called…

Zog?

No, Zog came much later and did not live in Africa.  Let’s call our hunter Dai.  Simple, one syllable and I think nice on the tongue.

Sure.  Dai sounds good.

Dai had been hunting for quite some time – he was a master hunter.  He both hunted on his own and with the rest of the tribe.  When hunting on his own he would get his prey, every day, and although the prey was small, his family knew that there would be something to eat.  When he hunted with the men, they searched for bigger prey.  His strength and speed and accuracy always helped him outwitting and catching even the wiliest old buffalo.  Dai had earned the honour of being the best hunter and many stories about his prowess were told around the fires at night.  What magic did he possess?  What spirits favored him?

Perhaps Dai was just someone that learnt well.

Yep, most probably.  You would think that he was happy.

Wasn’t he?

No.  He was quite frantic actually.  He had successfully hunted and fished and trapped and tracked every animal in the Savannah.  He had even killed the lion that had taken some of the women and children of the tribe.  But there was one thing that just outsmarted him each and every time.  Monkeys.

People eat monkeys!?

Yes, they did and in some parts of Africa they still do.  Let’s not get into that debate right now…

OK. So he was depressed because he had never succeeded in catching a monkey.

Yes.  Depressed is the right way to describe it.  His wife, uncles and aunts and grandfathers and grandmothers were at their wits end.  His friends were teasing him.  Everyone seemed to be telling him: never, let it go.  The worst part is, because of his constant thinking about his problem he started losing prey.

Well, looks like catching a monkey was something that a lot of other things depended, not only his self-esteem, but also the family’s tummies!

You get the picture.  So there goes Dai with his bow and arrows into the forest.  The monkeys see him coming because they have very sharp eyes and they perch high up in the trees.  So he wonders, how could I make myself invisible?  On other hunts it works to cover yourself in twigs, leaves and grass and to stalk the prey.  Perhaps that would work. What do you think.

It must work!  Monkeys are not that smart.

Sorry to disappoint you, Dai.  He got closer, but not close enough to take a shot.  That was it, the last straw.  He went to visit his great grandfather that lived on the blue mountains at the edge of the Savannah.  His great grandfather was known as a wise and respectable man, but even he did not know how to catch monkeys.  “Perhaps you should go to the monkey catching school.”  “Grandpa, how can such a thing exist?  No one has ever learnt to do this.”   Dai returned and chatted to his hunter friends again about all kinds of hunting techniques, the best times of day, and the ways of animals.  None of his friends could add anything new to what he already knew.

Poor Dai.

One day he was just walking through, the forest deep in thought and he did not notice how far away from the hunting grounds he was going.  He suddenly found himself in unfamiliar territory, and he got a big fright when a massive troop of monkeys started barking and sniffing.  This is closer than he has ever been to any monkey before.  Something made him think: “If I could watch these wild monkeys for a time and learn exactly what their weaknesses are, perhaps I will learn how to catch them.”  He spent the rest of the day, following the monkeys at a distance.

What did he notice?

Well, after a couple more days of tracking and observing, he noticed a number of things about monkeys.  They are incurably curious and continuously turn over stones, climb trees and koppies, and explore the whole world around them in detail.  They are also incredibly smart and know how to avoid danger – they are fast enough to stay out of reach of snakes and scorpions.  They are also very social and there is a constant chatter and banter in the troop.  When danger closes in, the guards make an unearthly noise and all the monkeys flee to safety in the treetops.  He also noticed that they have a sweet tooth.  They loved fruit and above all they loved honey.

That sure sounds like monkeys.  Sounds like some people I know too.

Yep.  So Day devised a plan.  He thought that if he take one of the traps he use for small antelope and set it over a shell of fruit with some honey in, the monkey would put his hand through the loop, grab the honey and then be caught in the trap as he withdraws his hand again.

Did he try it?

For sure. 

Well, what happened?

The monkeys just brushed the cord of the trap aside and stole the honey.  Or they carefully pulled the honey free from the trap without letting the noose close around their wrists.

Poor Dai.

Well, Dai was one of those people that did not get discouraged by failure.  He was more determined than ever.  So he reviewed what he knew and decided to chat to his friends again about it.  “You must make the hole of the trap smaller,” one said.  “You must make the trap more firm,” another said.  One of the boys listening what the hunters were talking about had a calabash into which he had made a hole to get to the seeds.  He pushed his hand into the calabash and grabbed hold of a whole handful of seeds.  When he tried to pull his hand free, he couldn’t.

Ah!  Yes, I can imagine how that works.  He had to let go of the seeds to get his hand out again.

A child is smart enough to realize that after a couple of tries, and then to find something else to scrape the seeds out.  Now Dai made the link between his traps and the calabash… if the monkey does not open his hand… it was worth a try. At least he would be able to get time to use one of his weapons while the monkey is pre-occupied with his hand stuck in the calabash.

I imagine that Dai tied the calabash to something.

Yes, to make sure the monkey does not just run off with the calabash, he firmly tied it to a tree trunk.  He knew that monkeys are so curious that they won’t let his calabash alone for long, so he walked away from the trap and hid himself behind a termite nest.  Slowly the monkeys came closer.  They saw the human sitting behind the termite mound, relaxed, nearly ready to dose off… one monkey came down and sidled towards the calabash.  The big male sounded the alarm and all of them jumped back into the trees.  Nothing happened – the human was sitting, staring far into the distance and not paying any attention to them.  Then they came down again and one monkey bound over to the calabash.  He sniffed it and ran off again.  He sat looking at it from a distance for a while.  Then he scrambled closer and grabbed it. 

What a surprise!  He must have nearly yanked his own arm off.

*both laugh*

Yes, after he dusted himself down, he walked back to the calabash with all the dignity he could muster.  Then he sat down and took the calabash in his hands.  He looked into it and smelled the honey sitting deep and firmly in the shell.  He shook the calabash, but Dai made very sure that the honey could not be shaken out.  Then he put his hand into the hole and closed his fist around the succulent prise.  He was stuck.  Dai rose and the monkey got such a fright that he started to run, but of course, he could not get very far. 

Wat then!?

Dai came running closer with a bag and a spear and all the other monkeys scattered – running as far away as they could, while the monkey caught in the trap screamed blue murder. 

Did he kill the monkey?

Day thought it would be so much better to arrive at the cave with a live monkey that he decided to catch the monkey with the bag.

What did he do then?

Well, he took the monkey to his great grandfather.  “I’m going to start a school, Pa,” said Dai. “Hmm,” the old man mused, and what do you want to achieve with that?”  I want to teach the hunters how to catch monkeys so that we can catch more monkeys.  Then, if there are less monkeys around there are less of a chance that they would warn other animals when we hunt.  And there will be more fruit for the women to gather.  Actually, if the men catch monkeys they must pay me with a part of their hunt because I taught them this valuable thing.”

He thought about everything.

Yep, but his school would be like catching monkeys too; people do what they want to.  So his wise old great grandfather said, “Perhaps it would be best if you base your teaching methods on catching monkeys.” 

Frank, somehow I get the feeling that I’ve been caught here.  What did you do with me?

Nothing.  I had your attention by telling you a story and that is it.

But the story has another meaning. 

Yes, for one thing. What would you say is the moral of the story?

If you want to catch something that is smart, quick and out of your grasp, you have to be smarter, have patience and understand how they work.  Yes, that’s it I think.  Softly catch the monkey.

Absolutely.  Now, what did you learn about learning new things?

Aha!  There seems to be a bit of an interaction between thinking on your own about a problem and chatting to other people… and there also seems to be a bit of a cycle of reflecting on the problem,  coming up with new ideas, deciding what to do, and then doing it.  Then again we look at what worked and what not, we get others involved in adding their learnings and we either try something again on our own or we get others to participate in this new way of doing or being.

That summarises it well.  No school can teach that.

Interesting.  Well, I have something to go reflect about.

Good.  May the learinings from this story and from all the other stories and models you encounter delight and enlighten you in ways that make the world a better place for everyone you meet.

Thanks, Frank.

A pleasure.  And remember, if something seems unsolvable, sleep on it.  Put it out there and see what comes of it in the morning.

Good plan.  I’ll be back with some questions.

That will be nice.  We chat again soon.

Good bye, Frank

_________________________________________________________________________________

References/further reading:

Honey & Mumford, Kolb – Learning Styles

“Wheel of learning” – The Fifth Discipline Field Book.  Peter Senge et al, 1994

Social learning, informal versus formal learning.

Ask and receive (II)

Knock, knock!

What do you want?

Hey Frank, even if I wanted something you could give me I would be very reluctant to ask now.

How so, Francois?

There was no connection between us.  Sure, we know each other very well and we chat regularly… this was just a little abrupt.  And who says I want anything? We could just chat, or even keep quiet together.

J People always want something.  Or put in another way – all organisms with complex nervous systems are continuously faced with this one question: “What next?”

OK, I see.  Everything we do has some want behind it.  Still, that was very abrupt of you to ask what I wanted.

How would you have preferred it to be differently?

Well, for starters I’d have liked us to greet properly and then to chat a little – find out how you are and tell you where I’m at… you know, things like that.  And then, if I wanted something I would either come out and ask it right away or tell you something to demonstrate my discomfort or confusion about something and let you help me design a want like we did last time.

Sure.  Can you guess what the point is here?

Hmm… I guess it is that there are specific conditions for us to actually say what we want.  There must be some sort of contact between us, and if I am the one asking, I must know that you are approachable and that you in some way can help me to get what I want.  Also – I must both trust you and have confidence that you will be able to give what I want.

Spot on!  There are two more things, when it comes to helping people finding answers within themselves that are important – rapport and unconditional positive regard.  In other words we must be on the same wavelength and I must express no prejudices or judgments.

Interesting!

Yep.  It is very important that the ‘helper’ or catalyst is congruent and that there is congruence between the asker and the catalyst.   So even before we work together to find out exactly what it is someone wants and to get a full picture of that want, the person helping must be in a comfortable and confident frame. 

I would not ask if that is not so.  Last time you said that if you want something the outcome and the process to get it must be designed carefully…

Yes, and we have completed the first step of that – stating what the want is.  Now think about this – if you wanted an ice cream, or you needed rest, how do you know that you got what you wanted?

I would be standing with a Magnum in my hand, or I will feel refreshed. 

Now slow down your telling yourself “I want an ice cream”.  What do you notice?

Ah.  I made a picture of myself eating the Magnum, and with it there is a feeling… the cold, creaminess on my tongue and feeling … mmm, well… satisfied.  And there is a taste and smell – vanilla and chocolate.  I love how the chocolate crust cracks!

Now I want one too!  J  So even before you have bought the Magnum you have set up the experience for yourself… You created the criteria that told you that you got what you wanted.  Does that make sense?

Yeah.  I sort of created a mental template.

Nicely put.  It is more than mental, though… your whole body is now expecting that experience – not just your mind.  And the richer and the more compelling the expectation, the easier it is to know that you are getting what you wanted, plus the more motivated you are to get it!

Mmmm – I can dream about having the ice cream but perhaps I don’t have the time or means to get one... What I want must be realistic.

Sure, and we’ll get to that. Yesterday we talked about making sure that the outcome of the want is sensory based – in other words it can be experienced through your senses, and we used the example of bullying… Can you remember what the outcome was that we were designing?

Yes. It was to think and feel differently about so-and-so’s behaviour.

Now there are two places the feedback or evidence would be coming from that would be telling us we are getting what we wanted – from inside yourself (that feeling of satisfaction) and from outside (seeing, hearing and feeling different things from what used to be).

That makes sense.

If I only have internal evidence, it may not be completely realistic… Sure it is an important expectation, and in the bullying case, so far, that is the desired outcome.  In the ice cream example there had been both internal and external criteria – seeing the magnum in your hands and experiencing the first bite… and how you would feel about that.

Hm.  Yes, I can relate to that.

So now let’s expand this expectation a little… where, when and with whom do you want it?  Let’s work with this one: Where, when and with whom do you want to think and feel differently about so-and-so’s behaviour? 

I’d say the where is at work, but also when I think about what happened when I am at home… the when is at any time, and the with whom is especially when surrounded by work colleagues, but also when so-and-so is present and doing her thing.

Doing her thing?  Are there times and situations where her behavior is not bullying?

Oh, yes.  Most of the time.  It is only when she unfairly criticizes me in front of others, call me names and when I feel humiliated by that that I feel bullied.

What specifically must happen to trigger you thinking and feeling differently? What is your cue that this is now the right moment to have this outcome?

I must be hearing the edge in the tone of her voice.

We’ve checked yesterday, you are not in control of her behaviour – you just want to think and feel differently about it… Now let’s deepen the criteria for the outcome.  How will getting the outcome of thinking and feeling differently about her behaviour affect your life?

Well, I’d be happier and more relaxed and I would be able to do my job.

And how would it affect the people around you?

It would make me less grumpy, less snappy… so I guess I would be easier to get along with.  Yes, I would be a more pleasant person for others to be around.

And feeling and thinking differently about her criticism and name calling… is there a way that it could cause you trouble?

Perhaps if I ignore it, it will make her even madder.  And if she was giving good feedback and I ignore it, it could cost me my job!

We don’t want that!  Thinking and feeling differently would definitely change your behaviour, you are right. So what specifically do you need to think and feel and do?  How specifically must you react when what specifically happens?

Alright.  When she talks to me in a normal tone of voice and use clean language – no snide comments, accusations and false assumptions, then I’m fine.  When she talks to me in a normal tone of voice with the accompanying nastinesses, I’m also fine. I can choose to ignore them or ask a gentle question to find out how she came to specific conclusions. So far so good.

Resourceful, yes.

When she talks to me in a loud tone of voice with an edge, or when she yells… normally I freeze, I can’t think and I just shrivel and go along with whatever she says.  And I resent myself for that.  However, if I stand up for myself, even in a rational and calm way, she gets even madder.

Those are the things you don’t want. What do you want?

Ah! I want to remain calm and rational.  And I want to react to her in a neutral of friendly way and at the same time feel that I am still ‘intact’. 

Perhaps a piece of advice here – it is best to mirror and match her intensity (without taking on the emotions) and then gradually calm your voice and become more neutral.  That way you lead her out of her unresourceful state. Being too calm and neutral may look like you don’t care about what is being said and that would make her even angrier.

That sounds nifty.  Makes sense.

It is – works very well in many situations.  What do you need to tell yourself to be able to act in that way?

Let me see. “Stay calm and focused.  Breathe.”  She lost control of her emotions and made her own conclusions which are not necessarily valid. I could also tell myself – I can choose: “Ignore the hooks and blades. Respond to the facts.”  “Remain authentic and congruent.”  “Surprise her with an act of kindness.”

Good!  What is stopping you from already thinking, feeling and acting differently in the ways you said and in the situations you described?

Phew!  On the one hand, nothing - now that I know what I know and what I want.  On the other hand… I think that programming takes over when I hear that edge in a voice or when people jump to unfair conclusions about me.

Would it be OK to call what you have to do to be able to think and feel differently something like ‘breaking the old pattern’?

Rather ‘breaking the programming’… or ‘installing a new program’.  I like ‘installing a new program’.

What resources do you already have to install a new program to feel and think differently when you experience so-and-so’s behaviour as bullying?

Resources?

Yes, inner skills and capabilities, attitudes and characteristics that would help you in this situation.

Mmm – let me see.  I have resilience – I quickly bounce back after anything.  Intelligence.  I learn fast.  I am patient. Calmness – I’m mostly a calm person.

Good. And what additional resources do you need or need to create?

Aikido.

Please explain.

Aikido is about getting out of the way… not about hitting back, and not even about defending yourself.  So what I want is the agility to get out of the way of oncoming punches and the confidence to stay put without defending.

Nice.  How are you going to get there?

I am going to think of all kinds of scenarios and situations, based on what happened in the past and could happen again… and picture myself thinking, feeling and acting differently.  So that is how I reprogram myself.

Good! 

Like yesterday, please tell me what exactly it was that we went through.

OK.  Yesterday we designed the outcome, the desired state, and made sure it is well-formed.  Today we added:

2.     We built in an evidence procedure that you can measure your success at getting the outcome against.

3.     Then we defined the context for the outcome.  You know, in some situations we may want things that we don’t want in others – so we made sure that the boundaries of the outcome is in place.

4.     We checked the ‘ecology’ – in other words whether the outcome would be good for you and the people around you.  Sometimes the things we want or the ways we intend to get what we want may cause us trouble and then the motivation to get to the desired state may be reduced, or we may be stopped in our tracks.  So to make sure that the desired state is realistic, achievable and ‘right’ we check ecology.

5.     We also checked for hindrances and stumbling blocks.  In your example we reframed a stumbling block (old programming) to become part of the solution (new programming).

6.     In plan or strategy the resources you have and need must be defined so that when the work starts, the building blocks are ready to be used and momentum can be maintained.

7.     Lastly we checked for how you will get what you want – the steps you would take.

So, I have a well thought out plan and now I just have to put it into practice.  I would have loved it to just run by itself.  How am I going to remember all of what we talked about?

Yep.  Some people go for hypnosis for the plan to run by itself.  An NLP process, where the practitioner uses various techniques to reprogram and trigger the new behaviours is also an option.  You could also just mention this specific outcome now in your prayers.  A wise and playful shaman would offer you a story – some fable or fairy tale that has bearing on your situation and helps your other-than conscious to connect the plan to the new behaviours. 

So many options…

The good news is that just having made the plan you will already start seeing a shift.

Really?

Yes.  We so easily get stuck in a limited and unresourceful way of thinking about a thing that having gone through a session where the stuck state is loosened by defining the outcome is well, broadening, deepening and anchoring it in reality and in your own capabilities.  You get much of the flow of aikido just by doing this.

Wow!  I can’t wait to see what happens next time I get into a situation where I might have seen it as bullying in the past.

Good point.  We worked with a realistic but imaginary issue.  It seems that it was useful to you in any case.  Are there other situations in your life where this outcome may be useful to you?

Oh, lots.  Arguments with family members or friends… Being treated badly by a service provider… When my neighbor starts complaining…  When a teacher or instructor criticizes my work or style…

You will notice that from today onwards, in many small ways and in the situations you have mentioned and in others, you will be surprised and delighted when the new programming kicks in to let you think, feel and behave in those.  You will notice the surprises and delights and the effortlessness with which the programming runs.

Thank you!

And thank you.   We chat again soon.

Bye, Frank.

Bye, Francois

Ask and you will receive (I)

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho

Hi Frank!

Good morning, Francois.  How are you on this fine day?

I am well, thanks.  How are you?

I am curious.

J  As always.  And what are you curious about today?

Well, I’ve been thinking about wanting and needing…

I thought they are more or less the same thing.  Aren’t they?

Well there are some people that would argue that we have a hierarchy of needs, but how specifically we satisfy them depends on what we want.  For example, we all need shelter, but where we live depends on what we want – the kind of space the family would occupy, the status attached to the home, aesthetic considerations, practical considerations…

Even though we may want to live in a mansion, we may not be able to afford it, Frank.

Sure!  And even though we may want to hit someone hard, something about the person, the situation and our culture may prevent us from doing so… So, you see, what we want to do or have and if we actually can do or have it, that is the question.

To be…

…or not to be…  That is another question. 

You mean we can be anything we want?

Yes!  If you can imagine it, you can be it…  And if someone can do something, so can everyone else.

He Frank, this sounds very nice.  I have my doubts though.  What’s the catch?

Doubt.. trust… hm...  There is a specific way of asking to get or to become what you want.

I thought so.  Well, how do we approach ‘wanting’ to be sure that we get what we want?

Firstly, we must know what we want!

OK, wise guy.

I’m serious.  There are many situations where we don’t really fully know what we want or we have not yet decided what we want.  So the first step is to state, clearly, and even if it is not yet perfect: “I want ___.”

As simple as that?

Yes and no.  When we say what we want it’s not useful to state what we don’t want and get stuck on all the things we don’t want.  You can’t get something that is a non-thing.

What do you mean?

For the next couple of seconds don’t think of a purple sheep.

Ah Frank, no!

You thought of one at first didn’t you?

Yep, and then I made it white…

Your mind has to create ‘the thing’ first and then delete or change it so that it exists as a negative or alternative.  That is why, if you tell a child “Don’t do that,” they go ahead and do exactly that.  Adults, if they are startled out of rational processing in the frontal lobe of the brain and the fight or flight reactions of the more primitive parts of the brain kicks in, will react in the same way.  So it is important to state what you want as something concrete or at least something positive.

Phew!  So if I don’t want someone to do something… I tell them to rather do something else without startling them?

Yes!  Good insight.  But wait, there’s more.

Does it come with additional free accessories?

J J

When you want something, make sure you want it for yourself.

For who else then?

You know, I’ve heard this one so many times before: “I want so-and-so to stop bullying me!”  What do you think of that want?

A great thing to want, but… it’s negative…

Sure.  What must so-and-so do instead?  So rephrased it would be: “I want so-and-so to be nice to me.”  What’s wrong with it now?

Hmm, I have very limited control over how nice so-and-so will be towards me.  We’ve chatted about that before.

Yes and yes.  What do you have control over?

We’ve chatted about this too – I have control over what I do and say and think and feel. 

So state this want so that it is something you do have control over, please.

Alright.  “I want to be able to ignore so-and-so’s bullying.” Or even better, “I want to think and feel differently about so-and-so’s behaviour.”

You’re on the right track.  How would I know that you think and feel differently? What would it look like from the outside?  What would you be sounding like?

Well, you would see me listening to what so-and-so has to say, my posture remains upright, my facial expression is friendly and I carry on with the rest of the day doing my job as always.  I would be replying to him in a calm tone of voice – like this.  Ah!  So when we ask for something, does it have to be that concrete – visible from the outside?

Yes, and for you from the inside it has to be a state of mind and body.  So I would like to know how you would feel and what you would be telling yourself while doing the things differently.

I would be telling myself: “Good show!” and I would be feeling great. 

Now the next thing is, your being able to feel differently about so-and-so’s behaviour, is it achievable in one step or must you design stations in between?

I’d have to have at least one step in between, otherwise I may not believe myself and so-and-so may get so startled by the new way I’m responding it may cause even more trouble.  Hmm – I think her and me both would best get used to something else before I go the full nine yards…

And what would that be, Francois?

I think acting neutrally would be a good thing.  I would still have an upright posture – like this – and I would listen.  My facial expression would be attentive, but not necessarily friendly.  And I would carry on with my day as always.  On the inside I would be telling myself: “Wait, listen, let it go,” take a breath and exhaling any negative things I might have been thinking and feeling at that point.

Nice!  What will it do for you when you think and feel differently about so-and-so’s comments?

I would feel better about myself, and I would be more productive.  And because I am now relaxed and friendly around other people it would be great for my relationships with my colleagues.  I’d be less stressed too!

Give me one thing that summarises all of that…

I’d be confident.

Good!  And that is enough for now.  What do you think of that?

Amazing.  Even thought this is an imaginary situation for me, it seems that if I ever again experience someone’s actions as bullying, I would be able to deal with it in better ways.  I want to remember this.  What did you do with me?

What we did was:

1.       Finding out what you want

2.       Making sure it is stated in the positive…

3.       And that it is something you have control over

4.       We checked that your desired outcome is specific and based on what you can sense with your five senses, and that it is a good state of mind and body

5.       We checked that it is not too difficult to achieve in one go and built in chunks or steps to get to what you want

6.       We made sure about what you would gain from the changes you made to your own behaviour and thinking

In effect we have ensured that your want or desired outcome was well-formed. 

So Frank, am I right in saying that making sure about all the things making up what I want would help me to get what I want?

Yes, and there’s more.  We’ve ‘designed’ a want.  We still have to fully design the things that must be in place for you to get the outcome you want to achieve. 

Alright, let me go digest this first.

Sure, we can chat again tomorrow.

Have a super afternoon, Frank.

You too.