Hello Francois.
Hi, Frank. I must say I am excited to continue our chat about love!
How so?
I read something interesting today… People are more prejudiced when they feel bad about themselves. To me love lacks prejudice and so I want to add another characteristic to my definition of love: that it is easier to love others when I love myself.
That makes sense.
Interesting thing, it seems that people that feel bad about themselves try to feel better by having negative opinions by others. Suddenly that puts jibes, insults, personal remarks and so on in a very different light for me again.
Sure. We have talked about inferiority complexes, so perhaps those are symptoms of people feeling bad about them selves. And it can be a permanent, pervasive thing – as in the inferiority complex – or temporary and sporadic - perhaps triggered by an incident, a memory or a thought.
Hmm, I am so mindful of setting off other people feeling bad about them selves, but on the other hand I am not responsible for their feelings, states and complexes.
True. You never criticize, insult, verbally attack or abuse anyone. If someone wants to take your actions personally, even your disagreeing with what they do or say, it’s ‘their stuff’. Don’t rub their noses in it. Have compassion.
I can see how pointing out to someone how they are their own source of misery won’t exactly endear anyone to you.
Absolutely. That fits so nicely with what don Miguel has to say about the Mastery of Love.
Yes, do tell more!
Love is responsible. Everything we say and do have consequences. Perhaps even what we feel and think have consequences.... They generate our attitude, which in turn shape and flavour our actions. Our choosing or not choosing has effects and outcomes. Sometimes those outcomes are not what we intended, or we did not foresee negative outcomes – we make mistakes in other words. You can try to pay for someone else’s mistakes (or get or let them to pay for yours) but the one that made the mistake will end up paying anyway. Shifting the responsibility just creates unnecessary drama.
Tell me about it. You know, it takes two to tango. In any conflict situation I have a very strong suspicion that mistakes are always made on both sides. In unhealthy, destructive conflict both parties are trying to shift the blame and responsibility to the other, or at least one party is doing that – trying to get the opposite number to pay for all the mistakes made.
Sounds like you talk from experience?
Yes. I am always willing to see my own paw prints on a situation, and I will admit that I am wrong and apologise. I am not willing to take all the blame alone, though. I know too many people that are unwilling or unable to see their part in the problem, or who just won’t admit it.
Do you mind if I offer you a word of advice?
No, certainly. You normally don’t… so I take it this is important.
If the other party in this kind of situation is someone prone to climbing into your character to make them selves feel better, you will gain absolutely nothing by exposing their contribution of mistakes. Perhaps the kind of person with whom you can tango to the tune of creative conflict is very scarce, so just mind your p’s and q’s, don’t throw stones, turn the other cheek…
Love bears everything.
Yep, and love is kind. Anger, sadness, jealousy, feeling betrayed – all of them are “fear with a mask”. They are just different ways of feeling bad. How can you be kind when you feel bad? On the other hand, when you feel good, when you harbour no expectations, obligations, pity and blame, you are happy, kind and friendly.
And generous!
And generous. Sure, love is bounteous, abundant.
Ah, the cornucopia of love…
*Laughter*
OK, Mr Lyrical Poet. You’ve said this the last time we taked, but I’d like to expand on it a little: Love is unconditional. What kinds of conditions have you encountered in relationships?
Hmm, the condition of…
· fitting a specific image or mould. “I’ll love you as long as you are like this or that.”
· The condition of being controlled or controlling. “I’ll love you as long as you are easy to handle, or as long as you keep me in my place or take the lead.” (Strange one, that)
· The condition of being good to and for the other.
Yes, and all of those are a special kind of expectation - acceptance as long as and if you fit a specific pattern. It is not love. Love has no ifs. It is impossible for anyone to fit someone else’s expectation pattern. It may seem so at the beginning – when love is still blind – but after a while the differences from the expectation become apparent and then we judge the beloved to be inadequate, unworthy. We become disillusioned and ashamed. Suddenly the beloved, friend or colleague is embarrassing and annoying. When we love, we love without reason and without justification. Love has no ifs.
So you say that we love someone as they are and they are free to be the way they are?
Absolutely. If you don’t like they way they are then you go be with someone else whose being you like as it is. We don’t have the right to try to change people to be more like we would like them to be. That is an ultimate disrespect.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you saying that it is OK to end relationships, friendships and other ties when we discover that we actually don’t like someone!?
Sounds about right, yes. Why?
Well, I can just imagine how some people are surrounded by people they don’t actually like but they fear loneliness, so they don’t go find friends or a partner they actually really like and like being with.
So, what do you think – do these people you are talking about love and know love?
I suppose not, if you look at what we’ve said so far.
And perhaps they must learn to love themselves first…
That is so sad.
Have compassion, not pity.
Alright, alright. It looks like we’ve gathered a bit of a ‘user manual’ for love here…
If you mean a description of how love works I agree, but if you mean ‘rulebook’ there is one thing that love does not have: rules.
Frank, trust you to produce a twist in something as straight forward as love…
Really. Where do the rules come from we create in our relationships – whether they are love relationships, friendships, work relationships or business?
I think they come from the expectations we have and think others have of us. So we feel obliged to fulfil those obligations and to keep the other to our expectations. That sets up the rules of the game – I have ‘my rules for you’. Chances are that the other party don’t know the rules and will inadvertently make mistakes – according to my rulebook.
Sure. The truth is no-one can be what another wants them to be. When I am authentic, honest and being myself (according to my rules for me and not your rules for me), you may be hurt, angry, disappointed. So to avoid your negative feelings and reactions I may lie – be and act in ways that is not really me. It makes sense if I don’t want to be judged, found guilty, blamed and punished by you.
Hmmm, I know people who would punish someone else every time they remember how that person is and acts different from their rulebook.
Yes. Do you notice how ‘just being you’ can be a mistake?
Wow! Now that you put it like that… I’d rather be with people that take me as I am than ones that make me a mistake.
Well put. Where there is love there is justice. You pay only once for a mistake (a real one). You love yourself and so you don’t make yourself pay for the mistake over and over again – you learn from it and also forgive yourself!
That’s new… forgive yourself as you forgive others…
Now, let’s get back to business. Think of a time and a team where you actually experienced everyone being responsible for them selves and where mistakes were paid for only once… and where everyone was accepted and liked as they are and for who they are.
I can think of a couple of examples where the teams and projects had no drama, there were no silly, petty political rules, mistakes were learnt from and everyone was kind to each other. Well, mostly.
Sure. There will always be situations and environments that trigger people to feel bad about themselves and that will reduce the love with which they treat their colleagues… I think you get the feel for where and when there is more or less love in an organisation or team, though.
Yes, I think I can now clearly distinguish between a toxic waste dump and a league of extraordinary gentle-folk. Perhaps a very telling difference is how mistakes are viewed.
Which is?
In a loving environment mistakes are capitalised on – how things can be done better, or even how the mistake can be useful… In fear-ridden environments mistakes cost – they cost time, money and energy that can be recovered only with great difficulty. They must be paid for in time, money, energy and suffering.
I like that! Perhaps that is also a great indication if an abundance-reality or scarcity-reality is present.
OK, Frank – we’ve woven enough ideas into the thing called love for now. I suggest you take a break for a while.
Do you need time to digest?
Yes, I have to backtrack to what we’ve talked about, reflect, let it simmer. There is so much there!
So there is. Well, let me say good night then. May the wine of love make you always kind, friendly and without prejudices, expectations and obligations. May your gentle forgiveness and generosity lead you into the arms of our generous and forgiving Beloved.
Thanks, Frank. And may you be loved as you love.
