The corruption of absolutes

Hi Francois, how are you doing today?

Hey Frank, I feel good, thanks.  After our last chat I thought about being stuck… and flow.

Do you want to share?

Yes, sure.  Can we chat about love and fear some other time, though?

Alright, as long as we get to it.  What about being stuck struck you?

Well, I noticed how someone talked to and about another person. “You are a big-picture thinker; you think like this…”  And to someone else he said: “You are detailed oriented.”  That made me wonder: Is that really so?

Good point.  To me it looks like he states his opinions as truths.  Does it bother you?

Well, yes!  I mean the information he so liberally sprouts may be inaccurate and downright offensive.  What if he is so convincing to others, stating his opinion forcefully and not allowing any other opinion to stand next to it?  And what if that opinion about someone is negative? “John does not know what he is doing.  Jack is impudent.  Sally is lazy.  Suzy is a hard worker, but not very smart.”  You know, in business and education I’ve seen it so often that people base their judgment of an individual on what an ‘opinion leader’ said – a gossip or someone as opinionated as the example we are talking about. 

Hmm.  I see what you are getting at.  From what I heard this person assigns his opinions on the identity level, and they may not be accurate or acceptable.

There’s more. 

Tell me.

He also has the knack to ‘read’ intentions into actions.   I sometimes stand astonished about how far those deductions of his are from what I actually intended or wanted.  I ask myself: Do my actions and what I said and my body language really give the impression that I had that intention?  It overlaps with the identity thing.  He sometimes says: “I can see you are depressed/unhappy/etc,” and what I or the other targets of his conclusions were experiencing or expressing at that moment is very far removed from what he saw.

Phew!  You know, people are entitled to their opinions…

Sure, and they are responsible for them too.  It is a problem when those opinions are inaccurate and are bandied about as the truth, and when they do damage.  We’ve chatted about this – I am responsible for what I say; you are responsible for how you understand it… What I say may be bullshit and others may eat it as the truth because it is dished up in a compelling manner. 

You want to know what I think?

Please.

You know the Meta model… this person perhaps does not know it or don’t care to apply it.  So he does not know the irrationality of a ‘mind read’ or ‘complex equivalence’ or ‘cause and effect’ or the ‘expert’.

That does not matter.  Isn’t it common sense that every other person experiences life from a different angle? I can never assume that anything that is true for me is true for them. To me not acknowledging someone else’s map of the world is the ultimate form of disrespect. As I am the centre of my universe, so everyone else is.

Francois, are you going to change the way he talks?

No.

Are you going to change the way he thinks?

No.

Are you going to change the way people that listen to him understand him?

No.

Are you going to change what he believes about the world, you and other people?

I’d love to, but no.  If he had been open to a conversation about this, I would have broached the subject gently.  I concluded that he hates any challenges to his way of doing, seeing and what he believes about others.

Perhaps most people are not comfortable with having their reality and beliefs questioned… So what can you change so that you cope better with his ‘truisms’?

Well, I can ignore their aura of truth and take them as opinions.  I would love to ask the question like: “how do you know?” or “what did you see that tells you that?”  As I said, I think these would be seen as a challenge and not as an attempt to get high quality information…

Sure. Pick your battles carefully.  There are two wonderful tools you can use in most (other) situations.  E-Prime helps you to keep your language personal and experiential and to interpret other people’s language as such.  So instead of saying, “The food is good,” you can say “I like the taste of this!”  And if someone else says, “This is good”, you can ask an unobtrusive question like, “What do you like about that?”  The last question is an example of Clean Language.  You don’t contaminate the other person’s experience by saying something like, “Yes, it is quite special” while to them it is perhaps ordinary, but still enjoyable...

I can see how things may be ordinary and still be good… Yes, this will help. Thanks.

Yep, it will help you to get unstuck.  There is one more thing to remember to create more flow.  What do you think of this: “His fear gripped him. That lead to aggression, and in the end his guilt was unbearable.”

Interesting.  How do I really know it was fear, aggression and guilt?  Where did they start and how did they grow to become what seems to be entities?  Hey, they aren’t things!

Right, they aren’t things they are processes.  When we deal with them like concrete entities that is what they become.  We get stuck inside this thing called fear – a nominalisation.  Flow, on the other hand, means that we view the process as something with a start and an end, inputs and outputs, relationships, causes and effects, various intensities, opening and closing of loops, strategies, and some form of resolution.

Wow. 

Yes.  How do you do fear? And joy, peace and love? 

Do you have time and red wine?

What for?

To discuss each of those and set the world to rights.

Ah.  Now, tell me what do you think – how do people learn absolutes and how do they learn flow?

Interesting question.  This is a guess and an opinion.  Perhaps conditioning contributes more to the ‘if this then that – and only that’ types of responses and perhaps experiential and exploratory learning contributes more to the ‘and what then?’ types of responses.  Having an open mind suddenly has new meaning for me!

Sure.  From what you said it looks like learning and living with an open mind has certain results and learning with a restricted or restrictive mind may also get results.  Someone can achieve excellence with conditioning - perfecting a technique or mastering a sequence of movements, tasks or activities, for example.  Another person may also explore and create new ways of doing the same things (or other things).  I can't say that they are mutually exclusive.  Perhaps they form a continuum, and perhaps different people have different preferences - perfection/creativity...

Yes, conditioning and creativity may even achieve the same results, but for me there is a qualitative difference.  The process of learning and living with an open mind, with wanton curiosity and respect for the reality of other people just seems to be so much more enriching. 

Sure, and you may have a preference for novelty and variety...

There is another difference for me.  When I focus on getting the most out of someone else’s experience, my ego is out of the way.  Forging opinions into truths, for me, seems very egotistical.  Sure, mastery and perfection are admirable...  but not acknowledging that there may be other ways - good ways - of doing things, seeing and thinking... to me that looks like being blinkered by arrogance.

What looks like egoism and arrogance may be something different, it may be habit, and it may be fear... 

Yes, it may be that too.

So next time we chat about love and fear, right?

Yes, let’s do that

When to quit

Hi Francois.

Hi Frank!  I’d begun to think you had left for good.

Oh no, I’d just been hunting for new insights.  I’d been stalking ideas and learnings from many angles.  And I fished in pools of deep reflection for new relationships between them.

From the length of absence I take it you had been very patient. Did you catch anything?

Yes.  All the waiting and watching… I caught something that eluded me for some time.

What is that Frank?

Hey, I did all the hard work and now you expect to just get it… just like that?

Come now, Frank.  I made the environment possible for you to go hunting and fishing and trapping in the less well-known forests and mountains of the interior.

True.  OK.  Have you ever noticed what happens when people lose hope?  I mean, the process of losing hope.

Yes, I’ve seen it a couple of times.

And have you noticed what people do when their situation becomes unbearable – when fighting back did not work, when adapting did not work, and where trying to change the situation did not work? 

Yes, some people seem to break and others escape.

Well, I know people that might argue that breaking is a form of escaping…  I’ve noticed that there is something that seems to hasten the point of escaping.

What is that, Frank?

The moment someone tries to rescue the person in this unbearable, hopeless situation, it is as if this act of kindness, or even of the ‘oppressor’s’ relenting… it is as if that little bit of hope offered has exactly the opposite effect.  It pushes the sufferer over the edge.

Wow.  I’ve never thought about it that way.

There seems to be different levels of intensity of this, of course – from someone ready to commit suicide to someone just giving up on a small project.

Surely you can’t generalize and presuppose this as part of every giving up?

Yes, I don’t know if it is pervasive, but I did recognize a bit of a pattern… perhaps worthwhile to explore further.

Why do you think this happens, Frank?

I think there is a complex interplay between hope and victimhood.  Perhaps, the moment someone steps in to rescue it is a clue that the person really is a victim, and that is the trigger for the break or escape response.

Alright, I can see that, but what about someone just giving up on a project, or a relationship?

Ah yes, let’s explore that.  Let’s take training a dog as an example.  Say you bought a new puppy and you started training him.  He is very slow on the uptake.  As a matter of fact, he is the stupidest, laziest, clumsiest of all the dogs at the dog school…  At what point would you give up on him?

I’d not give up on him, but just stop wasting time to train him.  Now, if he’d been a danger to me and people around us, then I’d give up on him.  But if he had a good personality I’d not summarily get rid of him.  If my livelihood depended on him, sure, I would have to get another, smarter dog.

It seems there are a couple of things you considered, and if I can summarise it in one phrase it would be: what is to be gained and what could be lost.  Interestingly you would keep the dog on if you would not lose something even though you don’t gain anything – in a given context.

True.  If the dog has a good personality and is not a drain on my resources or a danger to me and people around me, then I’d keep it as a pet.

Aaaah… as a pet there is still gain.  There’s companionship.  Say the dog was a bad companion – he never greeted you, never played, only slept and ate.  What would you do then?

I don’t want a dog like that, not even as a pet.  It would have to go.  You know, even if it was the ugliest mutt in the world and it was a good companion, I’d keep it – that is if I needed doggy companionship.

Interesting. So we have different kinds of giving up here – giving up on being something, giving up on doing something and perhaps giving up on someone or something because they don’t fulfill expectations or pose some danger to you…  Perhaps underneath these there is one thing: giving up on yourself trying to accomplish something. 

If you strip it to the bare bones, that may be it.  It still seems paradoxical and complex, Frank…

Yes.  Isn’t it ironic then that, when things seem really hopeless and we are ready to give up but not giving up yet… when someone steps in to help us here, when we are thrown a bone, or when our burden is lifted slightly… isn’t it supremely ironic that these things are the final straw? 

Hmm… It is as if we had been straining against a weight and it had actually kept us from jumping overboard.  The moment the weight lifts a little, we jump, instead of taking a breath and looking for other ways to remedy the situation.

Sure.  And sometimes we escape to a better situation, and sometimes it’s from the frying pan into the fire.  Some people wait a long time before they jump ship and others leave early.  Some may be staying longer because they feel helpless and hopeless – victims – and other may be staying longer because they don’t see themselves as victims and have hope that their determination, hard work and attitude will win through for them.

Aha!  When is it healthy to give up, Frank?

Interesting question!  Many of us had been brought up do or die: Never Give Up.  Don’t quit.  Life is about winning.  So let’s get back to the dog.  At what point will you decide to stop training it, or replace it?

The moment I realize there is no way that the dog will be or do what I expected.

So next time you buy a dog, what will your expectations be like?

I’d still have the same expectations, but I will be much more careful about how I choose the dog.  Perhaps there are things about a puppy that would tell me that it is going to be an intelligent, obedient and companionable dog, if those are what I wanted.  So I’ll learn how to look for the signs of those things so that I choose a puppy with potential. 

And even then you may be disappointed… something may happen along the way that prevents the puppy from reaching its full potential, something even of your own doing. 

Sure, but I don’t focus on the potential disappointment, or risks or dangers.

Nice.  Say you got bored with the puppy or there is some other more important thing to give your attention to…

Hmm.  Obviously if my livelihood in some way depended on dogs or on the dog, boredom won’t be factor.  So we are talking about a pet and a hobby.  And it is not as if I’d be giving up on the dog itself – he still has the potential but I may not be developing it to the full.  I’d be giving up on the activities… the training and so on.  OK, in this case I think my expectations would have been unrealistic. Perhaps I knew what was required and I had not realized the time frame – for how long I would have to keep it up.  Perhaps I expected more than what could actually be achieved.  And perhaps the personal gains were just not satisfactory enough for me to continue training and using a dog.  My expectations were too high.  Maybe I’m just not that into dogs.

*Both laugh.

Alright, Francois.  Let’s get back to being backed into a corner, completely and hopelessly…

You know what they say, nothing as dangerous as a cornered animal.

Yep.  Do you think animals and humans react differently when there is no way out?

I don’t know.  I’ve never cornered an animal to such an extent that they just gave up, sat there and did not even try to defend themselves.  For that matter, I’ve never done that to a human.  I would imagine that an animal will fight back to the last and perhaps lash out very aggressively, but I don’t know enough about animal behaviour to say for certain.  Who would want to press another being into such a spot anyway?

You’d be surprised.  Sometimes, if the dog had not delivered what was expected, the master turns cruel and instead of giving him to someone else (with lower expectations) he beats and mistreats the dog in the hope that the dog will leave by himself.

Knowing how loyal dogs are, I don’t think that is a good strategy.

Sure.  But still these people will mistreat the dog. They will find some perverse pleasure in taking out their disappointment on the dog.

As if it was the dogs fault!

Watch out.  There are more people like this than there are people who always act out of love and kindness.

Hmm.  One moment you have a nurturing and gentle master or partner and the next they turn into a sadistic savage, the Perpetrator, and you find yourself with a fight or flight choice… Does not matter which one you make, Victim seems to be branded on your forehead.  You can refuse to become a victim, but in the mind of the ‘persecutor’ you are to pay for your inadequacies, for as long as possible or until you remove yourself from their presence.  So what do you do if you suddenly realize that the person you trusted, followed and adored has suddenly turned into a rabid predator?

Perhaps prevention is better than escape.  We could learn to spot the potential for viciousness and avoid it, though I doubt that it would be easy.  When it comes to taking yourself out of the situation, it also is easier said than done.  We may genuinely love the person, or be in no position (financially or otherwise) to take your stuff and go.  I think Oriah Mountain Dreamer had something to say about that. 

I would love to hear more about the way of love and kindness.

Sure, next time we can talk about that.

You know, reality hit home quite hard with this conversation, Frank.

How so?

Perhaps my faith in axioms like “the truth will set you free” and “love conquers all” had been shaken.  Perhaps my belief that there is something good in everyone unconsciously exaggerated the goodness all people possess…

Hmm.  Nest time we can chat about that.

I’d like that.