Flexibility

... to boldly go where no-one has been before, and where everyone goes all the time

If this is your first visit to my blog, please read the intro.

Good evening Francois.

Hi Frank! I’ve missed our chats… Where have you been?

I’ve had trouble getting through all the noise and business in your mind for a while. You sure had been through some fireworks!

Tell me about it.

So you’re back on the dating site?

Yep. One thing ticks me off though.

What’s that?

People make the assumption that I am unhappy and that I am looking for happiness on the site – or rather – in a relationship. I don’t like it when people jump to conclusions about me, and I really detest if they make up their minds without having gotten to know me!

Well, to me that sounds a little like disrespect, but it may also me something else…

Come on Frank, don’t play around.

OK. Then let me ask you: What do you say is flexibility?

Having many choices of thought and behaviour to achieve an outcome.

Text book answer! And if you look at systems, what part does flexibility play?

In any system the part with the most flexibility has the most influence. Perhaps I can add that the most flexible system is probably the most complex, and probably more able to survive or thrive than simple systems.

I’ve never thought of that. Now, if you dig in that textbook a little more you’ll find references to human systems… and the maps we make of the territory. What kind of maps would make a person more flexible?

It is not possible for humans to make correct maps. That’s why, if we want to be excellent we make maps as rich as possible and that we have many maps from which to generate multiple choices.

Yes, and remember from what we discussed when we talked about respect… We have absolute respect for another’s maps. No-one is broken - we do what we do perfectly; we work perfectly to get the outcomes we are getting. People are not un-resourceful, but states can be. If you want to change the outcome, a wider choice of resource states helps to get different outcomes. More choice is better than no choice. Aaaah, and… all communication should increase choice.

Phew, Frank! It sounds like an art to be able to respect the choices other people make.

Yes, to be able to meet someone in their map of the world is itself an expression of flexibility. Noticing the fine outwardly distinctions in communication, postures, gestures, and so on, with the frame of flexibility means that no assumptions are being made about what you see. If you want to know, ask. Making assumptions, drawing premature conclusions, ‘mind reading’, precludes you from discovering the real reasons or reasonings. You learn nothing, you do not act or react appropriately, and you may antagonise the person you are interacting with so much that they chase you out of their house!

Yep, don’t judge a book by its body language…

Or history. Experience for yourself. Wait until you have experienced enough and then test it against what the person say they stand for and what not. People change and even though our past assists in shaping us, and we can’t change the events, we can change what we think and feel of the events and so change the experience and release ourselves from their grip, to move on and be more how we want to be.

Fascinating! So what you are saying is literally that we should not judge people…

Flexibility is about listening when other people’s ideas, opinions and values seems to clash with yours, instead of insisting that your map of the world is the only valid one. Always be open to new points of view.

OK, so that means I would be able to treat people like they want to be treated. Not ‘do unto others as I want done unto myself’, but do unto them as they want done unto themselves…

Sure. Flexibility is being able to act in any kind of situation in new, appropriate ways that gets you what you want, in that situation. Oh, and you can change what you want too. Think of it as a kind of super-adaptability – wherever you go, you can fit in, do with, learn fast.

Great. Flexibility really seems like something I want more of.

Now remember, flexibility has its drawbacks.

What?! I thought it was all good. Please share your insights.

OK, from the inside you have many choices and you can act appropriately, to get what you want in any situation, but from the outside you may appear fickle to other people, not easy to read, perhaps too easy to please…

Aaah, I see. If I don’t have a fixed and predictable way of responding, I may seem unreliable. Ouch!

Yes. If you seem to be too much of a chameleon, no one trusts you! No one knows where they stand with you.

Hey, that’s not right! If I am being true to myself even in my flexibility in any given situation, my essence doesn’t change. I can be trusted to act appropriately, flexibly… So what’s the problem?

True. So far we had been focussing on being flexible to get what you want. If your flexibility is always seen as self serving, you’re in for some mistrust. Your flexibility must also be applied to get others what they want.

Surely within limits? If someone wants something that is against my values I am certainly not going to bend all the way.

Values too, are flexible, remember. The fewer values you hold, the greater the chance that you may have values that would clash if they swam together in a small pool, but since you have such a big pool of values practiced in different contexts, it may be that you don’t find a value violated. But true, if one of your core values is constantly being knocked you are bound to have some kind of ‘reaction’ at some stage.

I would rather have the reaction earlier than later. In that way the people around me get no unexpected unpleasant surprises.

I guess ‘absolute flexibility’ does not exist. Neither would it be very useful. So yes, there are things about which you should be inflexible about, in the appropriate contexts…

OK, Frank, that’s enough for tonight. I will have to go digest what all this means.

Sure. And this reminds me… nothing means anything. Or put in another way, everything can mean anything.

Frank, you are not making sense. I think it is time you go have a rest now.

Hey, keeping you flexible is hard work. I do deserve a vacation after this. No, what I mean is just to remind you of not judging or jumping to conclusions. Humans are meaning making machines. The more you ask for the meaning, and not dreaming up your own, the more you are in the moment, in the other person’s map and in the right position to act appropriately.

Thanks for that, Frank. Now go rest.

…. Alright. Good night.

Good night, Frank.

Respect

If this is your first visit to my blog, please read the intro.

Good evening. You seem to be well rested and contented?

Hi Frank! Yes, I had been looking forward to our next chat, you know.

Tell me, how did what you learnt about trust make a difference in your life?

Interesting… trusting that others are not interested to harm me (well, most people most of the time; let’s not be naïve), or cheat me, or repeat the mistakes they committed not to repeat, has actually made me more open to people in general. Even more interesting – the moment I started trusting The Process, abundant opportunities suddenly appear. Some are uncannily close to what I wanted. What I have to be wary of now is doubt. Trusting prepares my mind to receive a myriad blessings, but doubt immediately chase them away – like a flock of finches in the veldt that were frightened by the shadow of a cat.

Good! Francois, the next question is serious one. What are you responsible for?

Well, I am responsible to pay my bills and to be a law abiding citizen. I am responsible to do my work to the best of my ability, for the team that reports to me, for certain processes at work… for feeding my pets and watering my garden. –Laughs– If I had been married and had children I would be responsible for my family, that they are healthy, safe – that they can thrive. And that they become law abiding citizens and so on…

So if I summarise it that you are responsible for everything you do, say, think and feel…

Yes, but I can think of two instances where that is not true. If someone makes me angry I am not responsible for my feelings. And I am responsible for the behaviour and performance of the people that reports to me.

Think carefully about this. The people in your team do what you expect them to do because they gave you permission to influence their actions and words. They will still feel what they feel and think what they think. And it is up to them whether they do what is expected of them or not. You really have no control over them without their permission. Have you asked their permission, so by the way?

No. This is a humbling and sobering thought. They must trust me tremendously because they follow my lead.

Good for you. It may mean that your integrity is visible to others, that your mood is consistent and pleasant. But I am worried about something you said earlier. If you believe and act that others are responsible for how your feel, your team may not be following, they may be conforming just so that you don’t become upset or angry.

OK, Frank, let me give you an example. If I walk in the bush and I see a mamba, I get a fright – I am scared immediately, the adrenalin hits my brain within a split second and I make the quickest mid-stride u-turn you can imagine. The emotion is part of the experience.

Good example. Now, let’s slow down the part between where you see what you think is the snake and the appearance of the feeling of fright. Slow it down 1000 times. What do you notice?

I told myself: “SNAKE!”

Yes, you did. And I know you to be curious enough to first run away very fast and then come back to see if it was really a mamba. Say that what you saw was a piece of the root of a tree exposed above the soil. You got frightened by what you told yourself in that split second before the adrenalin kicked in. As a matter of fact the adrenalin kicked in because of what you told yourself, not what you saw. Your nervous system gave the incorrect meaning to what you saw in a millionth of a second. Your senses provide you with information, that is all. You give meaning to the information, and this is done with internal dialogue. If you slow down all your reactions you will find a little voice in your head telling you something about the information. The meaning you give things is based on your expectations.

Mmm- I can see how that can be so. In other words we see what we expect to see.

Believing is seeing!

But isn’t most of our emotions instinctive? You know, fight or flight…

Emotion is secondary information – we produce it, not the event or thing we experienced with our senses. Yes, anger and fright have their places in survival – they are useful in that sense. When they become a hindrance is when they are inappropriately produced. Our anger tells us that our expectations had been disappointed or that one of our values had been violated. Cool – it points the way for appropriate action; it should not be expressed inappropriately and should not be suppressed.

Agreed. So, I am responsible for my feelings. All of them.

Yes. And every individual human being is responsible for only for what they themselves say, do, feel and think. Sometimes it is appropriate to give someone permission to control our actions, or let me rather say ‘direct’ our actions. Teams, tribes and peoples have achieved amazing things by following leaders and thinkers.

Frank, they have also done terrible things by following Hitler, for example.

True. Remember that people make the best decisions with the information they have at hand at the moment. Let me ask you something. You know Johannesburg reasonably well, don’t you?

Yes…

And you could, if you wanted to, in your minds see the whole city from above.

Yes, more or less.

Yet, the city does not fit into your head, so somehow you must have a representation of it in your neurology.

Yes. And no thank you, I don’t what all of Jo’burg in my head! A map is enough to get me from where I am to where I need to be.

How did you feel when you landed in London last year?

Lost, a little scared. Thank heavens I could trust friends to show me around, show me how to use the tube. It is as if most of the city is underground – the map I remember best of that place is the tube map. After a couple of days I could get myself anywhere I liked to be.

Mmmm – perhaps the map the Germans had was also not the map Hitler and his cronies were using. Let me get back to the point – Johannesburg versus the space in your head… Is it fair to say that the map is not the territory?

Yes, absolutely. It is a representation.

And if I say that you know Jo’burg differently than your friends know it…

You bet. I use certain streets more than others because I live where I live, work where I work and my friends live where they live… Same for them. Also, some of them had grown up here, so they have a historical view…

Would you say that your brother has a different ‘map’ of your mother than you do?

Sure – he has spent more time in the house than I have, for one thing. He also got to know her much later than I did since I am 9 years older than he is. And he has seen her in different circumstances than I have. Ah, I know where you are going with this… he is a different person too – so his map should be different.

Quite right. What is important to remember is that people have different maps and that we act on our maps, or from our maps. Some maps are more useful than others, and that is OK, because they can be discarded, or updated. The richer the info on the map, the more resourceful and flexible the individual’s responses and actions.

So if everyone’s maps are valid there are no wrong maps!?

Yes. And you have to respect that. That was an instruction, Francois, not a suggestion. You don’t have the right to judge, diminish or change anyone’s maps of reality. This is the ultimate respect – accepting and leaving maps as they are.

That is going to be very difficult. Part of my work entails changing people’s attitude towards work, to teach them to do their job, to get them to like the organisation, to follow the rules, to look after themselves, to care for customers, to treat each other well. I am changing maps all the time.

No you are not. You are offering new information and because of the permission people gave you to have authority, they update their own maps. So, most of the time, you share knowledge. Changing someone else’s map has more to do with changing their values, beliefs, attitudes. If you don’t have permission or if you have not been requested to do this, it is manipulation. Manipulation is an act of extreme disrespect.

Phew – that is a very fine line. Where do I draw the line between offering information, in an advertisement, for example, and subtly manipulating someone’s desire to buy the product?

Yes, that is quite a moral dilemma. You noticed that tobacco is not advertised any more and I hope soon alcohol will follow. Professional advertising associations do their best to ensure that advertisements are more or less accurate and morally responsible – according to the map they have come to hold of what is acceptable and what not.

OK, Frank I have a sticky question for you, talking of maps, respect and permission. You know, for some people it is quite alright if someone makes a sexual advance. They expect it, welcome it even. Others are a little more reserved. “Don’t touch me unless invited.” How will I know when the invitation is open and when not?

If your prospective partner is serious about a relationship she will tell you how she likes to be approached in many subtle and not so subtle ways. Listen. And if you can’t make out the signals, ask. Strange question, Francois. One should think that a man does not mind how he is approached –

I do mind. And I want to respect my partner’s map so I will approach her the way she prefers. The trick is, I think, to read her right.

I know of no one that can read minds, so forget the reading, OK. It is not a trainsmash if you get it wrong the first time. Thereafter you know what the map is. What is important is that you respect yourself in this case too.

What do you mean?

Don’t compromise. If you are approached the way you don’t like make sure your partner knows it and how you prefer to be approached. If you don’t communicate your preference from the onset and wait for her to read your mind or your body language, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and a very explosive situation later on.

What if the two maps are irreconcilable?

What is more important – the sex or the relationship? If the relationship is truly more important, then you will find ways to accommodate each other. If it feels strange if you need to approach her in a way you yourself don’t like to be approached it may mean you expect her map to be the same as yours. That is not respecting her.

Mmm – do you mind if I doubt this until my map is updated with evidence to either confirm or refute that?

Of course not.

Frank, it is time for me to go to sleep. We can chat again tomorrow.

Sure. May your dreams refine and update your maps so that your relationships with colleagues, family, friends and lovers are respectful in the way you learnt tonight.

Thanks.

Good night, Frank.

Trusting gracefully

If this is your first visit to my blog, please read the intro.

Hello Frank.

Hi! How did you know I was ready?

You made your presence felt. And besides – we had an appointment so I had been expecting you, trusting that you would make your appearance no matter how strange that may be.

How trustworthy are you, Francois?

Phew! Talk of a bucket of freezing water in the face as you walk through the door… Getting defensive won’t do, will it? So OK, if I am honest with myself I would say that I wonder about that myself. I mean, if I put myself in someone else’s shoes there are certainly things that will make me go: “Errrr… and I have to trust this guy with my stuff!?” I will not deny that I have done some pretty weird and dubious things in my past. I am OK with that and with them being in the past. I experience this catch 22 situation about them – if I make them public knowledge I give reasons for mistrust, and if I keep quiet about them and they are discovered at a later stage the trust is broken in any case. I guess I just have to trust people to respect the fact that I don’t like talking about them because I have dealt with them and closed those chapters – I am not ashamed of anything and I won’t go there again. And if I do talk about it when asked I guess I have to trust people to trust me as I am now. Does that make sense?

How important is trust to you?

It is crucial! If I feel that I am not trusted then there is no relationship of whatever kind. And if I don’t trust someone there is no relationship either. I also find that I can’t trust someone in one situation but not in others – it is an all or nothing thing. One of the worst things for me is if I break trust inadvertently – you know, due to a lack of communication or not being competent yet. It is pretty embarrassing. I believe I am more or less confident with and conversant in building all kinds of relationships and if I slip on trust I really feel like asking earth to open wide and swallow. Trust is broken more easily than it is built. So one misplaced or omitted word that breaks the trust that I worked hard at building makes me feel like a bungling idiot. I can recover though. It takes time but if the relationship is important I forgive myself for the flop – otherwise my lack of confidence will inspire no confidence or trust.

Allow me to quote for you: “Trust is established when words and deeds are congruent. Trust also develops when people feel safe and secure. When thoughts and ideas are shot down and ridiculed it does not take long to realise that the climate is neither safe nor conducive to making yourself vulnerable. A defensive climate can be diminished by providing descriptive rather that evaluative feedback, expressing feelings of caring and involvement, and being willing to actively seek out, listen to, understand and utilise other people’s perspective.” William M. Boast wrote that in the book Masters of Change.

Wow, that is amazing. True, Frank, very true. I latch onto especially the last parts – the willingness to see, respect and accept the other’s perspective. You know, attacking someone else’s perspective and then complaining about not feeling safe is not especially a trust-engendering strategy.

Sounds like you talk from experience… is this self-reflective or have you experience it at someone else’s hand?

Perhaps a bit of both… perhaps more having been on the receiving end and having used the same strategy as a model later on. Your quote put things in clear perspective for me, thanks.

Now is a good time to give you some pointers on trust – you know: ‘Advanced Trusting’.

•  Trust must be effortless. The moment it is effort, it is not trust. It would be best to then call attention to it. “I have some trouble with trust at the moment because…” The response that you are looking for is neither defensiveness nor indifference nor treacly re-commitment. You are looking for a sober reply that does not deny, down-play or cover up the points you raised. If that is not there the commitment is not real and you can end the relationship based on trust having been broken.
• When someone is looking for reasons or warning signs why they should not be trusting you, don’t even bother. Move on.
• If someone constantly tells you stories about how they were in situations where they could have violated trust and didn’t, the intention may be sincere, but this is not effortless trust.

You know Frank, long before I had it ingrained even deeper in me by training, respect for the other person’s reality, their frame of reference, their perceptions and values and even their issues, was part of who I am. Every human being has only that, and who am I to evaluate, question, measure, dissect, throw away their stuff, let alone make fun of it? I have come to expect and trust other people who intimately and professionally work with people to share this kind of respect, but I just realised something: perhaps this kind of self-trust/self confidence comes only when we stop looking at others for our healing.

True. Let me tell you how I feel about positive affirmations: they are only good for people that already feel good about themselves (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8132857.stm). Ironically. So I want to leave you with a thought – what do you get when you combine: “Healer, heal thyself” and what we talked about on trust?

Well, let me reflect on that.

I am dead tired after this conversation, but Frank…

Yes?

Thank you.

For what?

For listening.

Trust

If this is your first visit to my blog, please read the intro.

After having done Morning Pages for a while, Frank came to me.  I felt him as a gentle presence, his voice very familiar.  Frank is an Idea, and like all ideas (as such) he is real.  He does not pretend to be divine inspiration.

 Frank's mission in existence is to become more than a figment of my imagination, to contribute to man's understanding of self.  So, he told me: "Expand understanding.  Write down and communicate everything I tell you."

At first I was startled. There was something like a voice in my head, but it was not easy to make out words. I considered listening more closely or perhaps to just ignore the nudging feeling towards the side of my mind. Curiosity. With me it is always curiosity that prompts me to open up to new experiences and ideas. When my curiosity then moves on to something new, the usefulness of the idea will ensure its survival... So I thought, let me turn on my ears inside and listen to this half-voice that is more a feeling than a sound.

Frank: At last! What took you so long?

Me: I don't know. How long have you been trying?

That was a rhetorical question. You and I have to talk, that’s what is important right now.

About what? Who are you? 

My name is Frank, and… we are going to have many conversations on many subjects.

...Conversations with Frank. What happened to God?

Oh, that is a subject of many of our conversations, but not tonight.

OK, Frank, about what do you need to have a conversation with me… tonight? 

Trust.

You’re not giving me much chance to get used to the idea of chatting to some invisible and strange… what… person, thing?

I am no stranger to you, Francois. I am as much part of you as your heart or your bone marrow. 

We’ll see. 

No we won’t. You’ll just have to trust me that it is so. Which is why I first of all want to talk with you about trust first of all. You don’t trust anyone easily, do you? Do you trust yourself?

I think I do. I mean I have no intentions of cheating or harming my self! I am pretty sure that I am honest with myself, that I have integrity, that my mind and body works more or less predictably and benignly… congruently. I can trust myself around other people – trust myself to think clearly, act responsibly, to have intentions in line with my values and what I think is good for all present. I am sure that I am authentic, not deluding myself in any way. But you are right, I don’t trust others easily. I’ve just been disappointed too often, and I’ve also been scared by what other people can think and do.

Guilty until proven innocent…

No, it depends on how close the people are to me. Someone I have no emotional attachment to is neither guilty nor innocent – they just are. So I can’t say I trust or mistrust them. The people close to me are people that I trust. Trust is earned and it is mutual.

Good! But there are people you don’t trust… 

Sure. I don’t trust anyone who says: “Trust me.” If I suspect someone of manipulating me (or anyone else, or a situation) I lose trust immediately. If someone is doing conscious and artificial things to gain my trust, I start wondering. 

You know how these things work: “The untrustworthy is ever mistrusting.” 

Frank, you are now scratching something that is not itching. I am not coming from a place of distrust. My distrust is also earned. I know that the best way to make someone trustworthy is to trust them, and the best way to make someone untrustworthy is to distrust them and to show it.

What lets you know you trust someone? 

That is a good question – better than what I think trust is… All the books I’ve read say wonderful things of what trust is but I’m more concerned about what it does. For me trust is when I firmly believe (closer to ‘know’) that the other do not intend to hurt or harm me, and if they can help it would not do so; that the other would not abandon me (if it is someone whose presence I value in my life); would not ridicule me or laugh at me especially if what I did or think is off the mark; that the other would not cheat me, stab me in the back or bad-mouth me; would not use devious ways to manipulate me to do anything I normally won’t or which is to my or any other person’s detriment. I can only believe these things of the other if they don’t do them to me or others. What lets me know I trust someone is that that person had proven to me that they can be strong where or while I am vulnerable. 

It sounds like you believe the opposite of trust is fear.

Perhaps mistrust is a kind of fear, but the absence of the fear does not imply trust. As I said before – there is a neutral position. The stronger the fear (be it fear of being harmed, discredited, abandoned, ridiculed…) the weaker the trust. Generally I don’t fear these things from people that do not know me – their intentions, thoughts and words have no context and therefore no meaning, really. And I believe most people are not out to cause other people physical harm. So rather say I am careful, not fearful.

OK, I think for now you’ve learnt enough about trust. We can continue again after you’ve reflected about what you learnt.

Hey! Who did most of the talking?

Exactly. The teacher asks the questions, the student answers. One who talks is no teacher to one who sits and listens. M: So now you are my teacher?

That I am too. This was an easy conversation but it left you exausted and with nothing much more to say. You will learn to have better conversations as we progress. For a first conversation this was enough. Rest well.easy conversation but it left you exausted and with nothing much more to say. You will learn to have better conversations as we progress. For a first conversation this was enough. Rest well.