... to boldly go where no-one has been before, and where everyone goes all the time
If this is your first visit to my blog, please read the intro.
Good evening Francois.
Hi Frank! I’ve missed our chats… Where have you been?
I’ve had trouble getting through all the noise and business in your mind for a while. You sure had been through some fireworks!
Tell me about it.
So you’re back on the dating site?
Yep. One thing ticks me off though.
What’s that?
People make the assumption that I am unhappy and that I am looking for happiness on the site – or rather – in a relationship. I don’t like it when people jump to conclusions about me, and I really detest if they make up their minds without having gotten to know me!
Well, to me that sounds a little like disrespect, but it may also me something else…
Come on Frank, don’t play around.
OK. Then let me ask you: What do you say is flexibility?
Having many choices of thought and behaviour to achieve an outcome.
Text book answer! And if you look at systems, what part does flexibility play?
In any system the part with the most flexibility has the most influence. Perhaps I can add that the most flexible system is probably the most complex, and probably more able to survive or thrive than simple systems.
I’ve never thought of that. Now, if you dig in that textbook a little more you’ll find references to human systems… and the maps we make of the territory. What kind of maps would make a person more flexible?
It is not possible for humans to make correct maps. That’s why, if we want to be excellent we make maps as rich as possible and that we have many maps from which to generate multiple choices.
Yes, and remember from what we discussed when we talked about respect… We have absolute respect for another’s maps. No-one is broken - we do what we do perfectly; we work perfectly to get the outcomes we are getting. People are not un-resourceful, but states can be. If you want to change the outcome, a wider choice of resource states helps to get different outcomes. More choice is better than no choice. Aaaah, and… all communication should increase choice.
Phew, Frank! It sounds like an art to be able to respect the choices other people make.
Yes, to be able to meet someone in their map of the world is itself an expression of flexibility. Noticing the fine outwardly distinctions in communication, postures, gestures, and so on, with the frame of flexibility means that no assumptions are being made about what you see. If you want to know, ask. Making assumptions, drawing premature conclusions, ‘mind reading’, precludes you from discovering the real reasons or reasonings. You learn nothing, you do not act or react appropriately, and you may antagonise the person you are interacting with so much that they chase you out of their house!
Yep, don’t judge a book by its body language…
Or history. Experience for yourself. Wait until you have experienced enough and then test it against what the person say they stand for and what not. People change and even though our past assists in shaping us, and we can’t change the events, we can change what we think and feel of the events and so change the experience and release ourselves from their grip, to move on and be more how we want to be.
Fascinating! So what you are saying is literally that we should not judge people…
Flexibility is about listening when other people’s ideas, opinions and values seems to clash with yours, instead of insisting that your map of the world is the only valid one. Always be open to new points of view.
OK, so that means I would be able to treat people like they want to be treated. Not ‘do unto others as I want done unto myself’, but do unto them as they want done unto themselves…
Sure. Flexibility is being able to act in any kind of situation in new, appropriate ways that gets you what you want, in that situation. Oh, and you can change what you want too. Think of it as a kind of super-adaptability – wherever you go, you can fit in, do with, learn fast.
Great. Flexibility really seems like something I want more of.
Now remember, flexibility has its drawbacks.
What?! I thought it was all good. Please share your insights.
OK, from the inside you have many choices and you can act appropriately, to get what you want in any situation, but from the outside you may appear fickle to other people, not easy to read, perhaps too easy to please…
Aaah, I see. If I don’t have a fixed and predictable way of responding, I may seem unreliable. Ouch!
Yes. If you seem to be too much of a chameleon, no one trusts you! No one knows where they stand with you.
Hey, that’s not right! If I am being true to myself even in my flexibility in any given situation, my essence doesn’t change. I can be trusted to act appropriately, flexibly… So what’s the problem?
True. So far we had been focussing on being flexible to get what you want. If your flexibility is always seen as self serving, you’re in for some mistrust. Your flexibility must also be applied to get others what they want.
Surely within limits? If someone wants something that is against my values I am certainly not going to bend all the way.
Values too, are flexible, remember. The fewer values you hold, the greater the chance that you may have values that would clash if they swam together in a small pool, but since you have such a big pool of values practiced in different contexts, it may be that you don’t find a value violated. But true, if one of your core values is constantly being knocked you are bound to have some kind of ‘reaction’ at some stage.
I would rather have the reaction earlier than later. In that way the people around me get no unexpected unpleasant surprises.
I guess ‘absolute flexibility’ does not exist. Neither would it be very useful. So yes, there are things about which you should be inflexible about, in the appropriate contexts…
OK, Frank, that’s enough for tonight. I will have to go digest what all this means.
Sure. And this reminds me… nothing means anything. Or put in another way, everything can mean anything.
Frank, you are not making sense. I think it is time you go have a rest now.
Hey, keeping you flexible is hard work. I do deserve a vacation after this. No, what I mean is just to remind you of not judging or jumping to conclusions. Humans are meaning making machines. The more you ask for the meaning, and not dreaming up your own, the more you are in the moment, in the other person’s map and in the right position to act appropriately.
Thanks for that, Frank. Now go rest.
…. Alright. Good night.
Good night, Frank.
If this is your first visit to my blog, please read the intro.
Good evening Francois.
Hi Frank! I’ve missed our chats… Where have you been?
I’ve had trouble getting through all the noise and business in your mind for a while. You sure had been through some fireworks!
Tell me about it.
So you’re back on the dating site?
Yep. One thing ticks me off though.
What’s that?
People make the assumption that I am unhappy and that I am looking for happiness on the site – or rather – in a relationship. I don’t like it when people jump to conclusions about me, and I really detest if they make up their minds without having gotten to know me!
Well, to me that sounds a little like disrespect, but it may also me something else…
Come on Frank, don’t play around.
OK. Then let me ask you: What do you say is flexibility?
Having many choices of thought and behaviour to achieve an outcome.
Text book answer! And if you look at systems, what part does flexibility play?
In any system the part with the most flexibility has the most influence. Perhaps I can add that the most flexible system is probably the most complex, and probably more able to survive or thrive than simple systems.
I’ve never thought of that. Now, if you dig in that textbook a little more you’ll find references to human systems… and the maps we make of the territory. What kind of maps would make a person more flexible?
It is not possible for humans to make correct maps. That’s why, if we want to be excellent we make maps as rich as possible and that we have many maps from which to generate multiple choices.
Yes, and remember from what we discussed when we talked about respect… We have absolute respect for another’s maps. No-one is broken - we do what we do perfectly; we work perfectly to get the outcomes we are getting. People are not un-resourceful, but states can be. If you want to change the outcome, a wider choice of resource states helps to get different outcomes. More choice is better than no choice. Aaaah, and… all communication should increase choice.
Phew, Frank! It sounds like an art to be able to respect the choices other people make.
Yes, to be able to meet someone in their map of the world is itself an expression of flexibility. Noticing the fine outwardly distinctions in communication, postures, gestures, and so on, with the frame of flexibility means that no assumptions are being made about what you see. If you want to know, ask. Making assumptions, drawing premature conclusions, ‘mind reading’, precludes you from discovering the real reasons or reasonings. You learn nothing, you do not act or react appropriately, and you may antagonise the person you are interacting with so much that they chase you out of their house!
Yep, don’t judge a book by its body language…
Or history. Experience for yourself. Wait until you have experienced enough and then test it against what the person say they stand for and what not. People change and even though our past assists in shaping us, and we can’t change the events, we can change what we think and feel of the events and so change the experience and release ourselves from their grip, to move on and be more how we want to be.
Fascinating! So what you are saying is literally that we should not judge people…
Flexibility is about listening when other people’s ideas, opinions and values seems to clash with yours, instead of insisting that your map of the world is the only valid one. Always be open to new points of view.
OK, so that means I would be able to treat people like they want to be treated. Not ‘do unto others as I want done unto myself’, but do unto them as they want done unto themselves…
Sure. Flexibility is being able to act in any kind of situation in new, appropriate ways that gets you what you want, in that situation. Oh, and you can change what you want too. Think of it as a kind of super-adaptability – wherever you go, you can fit in, do with, learn fast.
Great. Flexibility really seems like something I want more of.
Now remember, flexibility has its drawbacks.
What?! I thought it was all good. Please share your insights.
OK, from the inside you have many choices and you can act appropriately, to get what you want in any situation, but from the outside you may appear fickle to other people, not easy to read, perhaps too easy to please…
Aaah, I see. If I don’t have a fixed and predictable way of responding, I may seem unreliable. Ouch!
Yes. If you seem to be too much of a chameleon, no one trusts you! No one knows where they stand with you.
Hey, that’s not right! If I am being true to myself even in my flexibility in any given situation, my essence doesn’t change. I can be trusted to act appropriately, flexibly… So what’s the problem?
True. So far we had been focussing on being flexible to get what you want. If your flexibility is always seen as self serving, you’re in for some mistrust. Your flexibility must also be applied to get others what they want.
Surely within limits? If someone wants something that is against my values I am certainly not going to bend all the way.
Values too, are flexible, remember. The fewer values you hold, the greater the chance that you may have values that would clash if they swam together in a small pool, but since you have such a big pool of values practiced in different contexts, it may be that you don’t find a value violated. But true, if one of your core values is constantly being knocked you are bound to have some kind of ‘reaction’ at some stage.
I would rather have the reaction earlier than later. In that way the people around me get no unexpected unpleasant surprises.
I guess ‘absolute flexibility’ does not exist. Neither would it be very useful. So yes, there are things about which you should be inflexible about, in the appropriate contexts…
OK, Frank, that’s enough for tonight. I will have to go digest what all this means.
Sure. And this reminds me… nothing means anything. Or put in another way, everything can mean anything.
Frank, you are not making sense. I think it is time you go have a rest now.
Hey, keeping you flexible is hard work. I do deserve a vacation after this. No, what I mean is just to remind you of not judging or jumping to conclusions. Humans are meaning making machines. The more you ask for the meaning, and not dreaming up your own, the more you are in the moment, in the other person’s map and in the right position to act appropriately.
Thanks for that, Frank. Now go rest.
…. Alright. Good night.
Good night, Frank.
