Ask and receive (II)

Knock, knock!

What do you want?

Hey Frank, even if I wanted something you could give me I would be very reluctant to ask now.

How so, Francois?

There was no connection between us.  Sure, we know each other very well and we chat regularly… this was just a little abrupt.  And who says I want anything? We could just chat, or even keep quiet together.

J People always want something.  Or put in another way – all organisms with complex nervous systems are continuously faced with this one question: “What next?”

OK, I see.  Everything we do has some want behind it.  Still, that was very abrupt of you to ask what I wanted.

How would you have preferred it to be differently?

Well, for starters I’d have liked us to greet properly and then to chat a little – find out how you are and tell you where I’m at… you know, things like that.  And then, if I wanted something I would either come out and ask it right away or tell you something to demonstrate my discomfort or confusion about something and let you help me design a want like we did last time.

Sure.  Can you guess what the point is here?

Hmm… I guess it is that there are specific conditions for us to actually say what we want.  There must be some sort of contact between us, and if I am the one asking, I must know that you are approachable and that you in some way can help me to get what I want.  Also – I must both trust you and have confidence that you will be able to give what I want.

Spot on!  There are two more things, when it comes to helping people finding answers within themselves that are important – rapport and unconditional positive regard.  In other words we must be on the same wavelength and I must express no prejudices or judgments.

Interesting!

Yep.  It is very important that the ‘helper’ or catalyst is congruent and that there is congruence between the asker and the catalyst.   So even before we work together to find out exactly what it is someone wants and to get a full picture of that want, the person helping must be in a comfortable and confident frame. 

I would not ask if that is not so.  Last time you said that if you want something the outcome and the process to get it must be designed carefully…

Yes, and we have completed the first step of that – stating what the want is.  Now think about this – if you wanted an ice cream, or you needed rest, how do you know that you got what you wanted?

I would be standing with a Magnum in my hand, or I will feel refreshed. 

Now slow down your telling yourself “I want an ice cream”.  What do you notice?

Ah.  I made a picture of myself eating the Magnum, and with it there is a feeling… the cold, creaminess on my tongue and feeling … mmm, well… satisfied.  And there is a taste and smell – vanilla and chocolate.  I love how the chocolate crust cracks!

Now I want one too!  J  So even before you have bought the Magnum you have set up the experience for yourself… You created the criteria that told you that you got what you wanted.  Does that make sense?

Yeah.  I sort of created a mental template.

Nicely put.  It is more than mental, though… your whole body is now expecting that experience – not just your mind.  And the richer and the more compelling the expectation, the easier it is to know that you are getting what you wanted, plus the more motivated you are to get it!

Mmmm – I can dream about having the ice cream but perhaps I don’t have the time or means to get one... What I want must be realistic.

Sure, and we’ll get to that. Yesterday we talked about making sure that the outcome of the want is sensory based – in other words it can be experienced through your senses, and we used the example of bullying… Can you remember what the outcome was that we were designing?

Yes. It was to think and feel differently about so-and-so’s behaviour.

Now there are two places the feedback or evidence would be coming from that would be telling us we are getting what we wanted – from inside yourself (that feeling of satisfaction) and from outside (seeing, hearing and feeling different things from what used to be).

That makes sense.

If I only have internal evidence, it may not be completely realistic… Sure it is an important expectation, and in the bullying case, so far, that is the desired outcome.  In the ice cream example there had been both internal and external criteria – seeing the magnum in your hands and experiencing the first bite… and how you would feel about that.

Hm.  Yes, I can relate to that.

So now let’s expand this expectation a little… where, when and with whom do you want it?  Let’s work with this one: Where, when and with whom do you want to think and feel differently about so-and-so’s behaviour? 

I’d say the where is at work, but also when I think about what happened when I am at home… the when is at any time, and the with whom is especially when surrounded by work colleagues, but also when so-and-so is present and doing her thing.

Doing her thing?  Are there times and situations where her behavior is not bullying?

Oh, yes.  Most of the time.  It is only when she unfairly criticizes me in front of others, call me names and when I feel humiliated by that that I feel bullied.

What specifically must happen to trigger you thinking and feeling differently? What is your cue that this is now the right moment to have this outcome?

I must be hearing the edge in the tone of her voice.

We’ve checked yesterday, you are not in control of her behaviour – you just want to think and feel differently about it… Now let’s deepen the criteria for the outcome.  How will getting the outcome of thinking and feeling differently about her behaviour affect your life?

Well, I’d be happier and more relaxed and I would be able to do my job.

And how would it affect the people around you?

It would make me less grumpy, less snappy… so I guess I would be easier to get along with.  Yes, I would be a more pleasant person for others to be around.

And feeling and thinking differently about her criticism and name calling… is there a way that it could cause you trouble?

Perhaps if I ignore it, it will make her even madder.  And if she was giving good feedback and I ignore it, it could cost me my job!

We don’t want that!  Thinking and feeling differently would definitely change your behaviour, you are right. So what specifically do you need to think and feel and do?  How specifically must you react when what specifically happens?

Alright.  When she talks to me in a normal tone of voice and use clean language – no snide comments, accusations and false assumptions, then I’m fine.  When she talks to me in a normal tone of voice with the accompanying nastinesses, I’m also fine. I can choose to ignore them or ask a gentle question to find out how she came to specific conclusions. So far so good.

Resourceful, yes.

When she talks to me in a loud tone of voice with an edge, or when she yells… normally I freeze, I can’t think and I just shrivel and go along with whatever she says.  And I resent myself for that.  However, if I stand up for myself, even in a rational and calm way, she gets even madder.

Those are the things you don’t want. What do you want?

Ah! I want to remain calm and rational.  And I want to react to her in a neutral of friendly way and at the same time feel that I am still ‘intact’. 

Perhaps a piece of advice here – it is best to mirror and match her intensity (without taking on the emotions) and then gradually calm your voice and become more neutral.  That way you lead her out of her unresourceful state. Being too calm and neutral may look like you don’t care about what is being said and that would make her even angrier.

That sounds nifty.  Makes sense.

It is – works very well in many situations.  What do you need to tell yourself to be able to act in that way?

Let me see. “Stay calm and focused.  Breathe.”  She lost control of her emotions and made her own conclusions which are not necessarily valid. I could also tell myself – I can choose: “Ignore the hooks and blades. Respond to the facts.”  “Remain authentic and congruent.”  “Surprise her with an act of kindness.”

Good!  What is stopping you from already thinking, feeling and acting differently in the ways you said and in the situations you described?

Phew!  On the one hand, nothing - now that I know what I know and what I want.  On the other hand… I think that programming takes over when I hear that edge in a voice or when people jump to unfair conclusions about me.

Would it be OK to call what you have to do to be able to think and feel differently something like ‘breaking the old pattern’?

Rather ‘breaking the programming’… or ‘installing a new program’.  I like ‘installing a new program’.

What resources do you already have to install a new program to feel and think differently when you experience so-and-so’s behaviour as bullying?

Resources?

Yes, inner skills and capabilities, attitudes and characteristics that would help you in this situation.

Mmm – let me see.  I have resilience – I quickly bounce back after anything.  Intelligence.  I learn fast.  I am patient. Calmness – I’m mostly a calm person.

Good. And what additional resources do you need or need to create?

Aikido.

Please explain.

Aikido is about getting out of the way… not about hitting back, and not even about defending yourself.  So what I want is the agility to get out of the way of oncoming punches and the confidence to stay put without defending.

Nice.  How are you going to get there?

I am going to think of all kinds of scenarios and situations, based on what happened in the past and could happen again… and picture myself thinking, feeling and acting differently.  So that is how I reprogram myself.

Good! 

Like yesterday, please tell me what exactly it was that we went through.

OK.  Yesterday we designed the outcome, the desired state, and made sure it is well-formed.  Today we added:

2.     We built in an evidence procedure that you can measure your success at getting the outcome against.

3.     Then we defined the context for the outcome.  You know, in some situations we may want things that we don’t want in others – so we made sure that the boundaries of the outcome is in place.

4.     We checked the ‘ecology’ – in other words whether the outcome would be good for you and the people around you.  Sometimes the things we want or the ways we intend to get what we want may cause us trouble and then the motivation to get to the desired state may be reduced, or we may be stopped in our tracks.  So to make sure that the desired state is realistic, achievable and ‘right’ we check ecology.

5.     We also checked for hindrances and stumbling blocks.  In your example we reframed a stumbling block (old programming) to become part of the solution (new programming).

6.     In plan or strategy the resources you have and need must be defined so that when the work starts, the building blocks are ready to be used and momentum can be maintained.

7.     Lastly we checked for how you will get what you want – the steps you would take.

So, I have a well thought out plan and now I just have to put it into practice.  I would have loved it to just run by itself.  How am I going to remember all of what we talked about?

Yep.  Some people go for hypnosis for the plan to run by itself.  An NLP process, where the practitioner uses various techniques to reprogram and trigger the new behaviours is also an option.  You could also just mention this specific outcome now in your prayers.  A wise and playful shaman would offer you a story – some fable or fairy tale that has bearing on your situation and helps your other-than conscious to connect the plan to the new behaviours. 

So many options…

The good news is that just having made the plan you will already start seeing a shift.

Really?

Yes.  We so easily get stuck in a limited and unresourceful way of thinking about a thing that having gone through a session where the stuck state is loosened by defining the outcome is well, broadening, deepening and anchoring it in reality and in your own capabilities.  You get much of the flow of aikido just by doing this.

Wow!  I can’t wait to see what happens next time I get into a situation where I might have seen it as bullying in the past.

Good point.  We worked with a realistic but imaginary issue.  It seems that it was useful to you in any case.  Are there other situations in your life where this outcome may be useful to you?

Oh, lots.  Arguments with family members or friends… Being treated badly by a service provider… When my neighbor starts complaining…  When a teacher or instructor criticizes my work or style…

You will notice that from today onwards, in many small ways and in the situations you have mentioned and in others, you will be surprised and delighted when the new programming kicks in to let you think, feel and behave in those.  You will notice the surprises and delights and the effortlessness with which the programming runs.

Thank you!

And thank you.   We chat again soon.

Bye, Frank.

Bye, Francois

Ask and you will receive (I)

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho

Hi Frank!

Good morning, Francois.  How are you on this fine day?

I am well, thanks.  How are you?

I am curious.

J  As always.  And what are you curious about today?

Well, I’ve been thinking about wanting and needing…

I thought they are more or less the same thing.  Aren’t they?

Well there are some people that would argue that we have a hierarchy of needs, but how specifically we satisfy them depends on what we want.  For example, we all need shelter, but where we live depends on what we want – the kind of space the family would occupy, the status attached to the home, aesthetic considerations, practical considerations…

Even though we may want to live in a mansion, we may not be able to afford it, Frank.

Sure!  And even though we may want to hit someone hard, something about the person, the situation and our culture may prevent us from doing so… So, you see, what we want to do or have and if we actually can do or have it, that is the question.

To be…

…or not to be…  That is another question. 

You mean we can be anything we want?

Yes!  If you can imagine it, you can be it…  And if someone can do something, so can everyone else.

He Frank, this sounds very nice.  I have my doubts though.  What’s the catch?

Doubt.. trust… hm...  There is a specific way of asking to get or to become what you want.

I thought so.  Well, how do we approach ‘wanting’ to be sure that we get what we want?

Firstly, we must know what we want!

OK, wise guy.

I’m serious.  There are many situations where we don’t really fully know what we want or we have not yet decided what we want.  So the first step is to state, clearly, and even if it is not yet perfect: “I want ___.”

As simple as that?

Yes and no.  When we say what we want it’s not useful to state what we don’t want and get stuck on all the things we don’t want.  You can’t get something that is a non-thing.

What do you mean?

For the next couple of seconds don’t think of a purple sheep.

Ah Frank, no!

You thought of one at first didn’t you?

Yep, and then I made it white…

Your mind has to create ‘the thing’ first and then delete or change it so that it exists as a negative or alternative.  That is why, if you tell a child “Don’t do that,” they go ahead and do exactly that.  Adults, if they are startled out of rational processing in the frontal lobe of the brain and the fight or flight reactions of the more primitive parts of the brain kicks in, will react in the same way.  So it is important to state what you want as something concrete or at least something positive.

Phew!  So if I don’t want someone to do something… I tell them to rather do something else without startling them?

Yes!  Good insight.  But wait, there’s more.

Does it come with additional free accessories?

J J

When you want something, make sure you want it for yourself.

For who else then?

You know, I’ve heard this one so many times before: “I want so-and-so to stop bullying me!”  What do you think of that want?

A great thing to want, but… it’s negative…

Sure.  What must so-and-so do instead?  So rephrased it would be: “I want so-and-so to be nice to me.”  What’s wrong with it now?

Hmm, I have very limited control over how nice so-and-so will be towards me.  We’ve chatted about that before.

Yes and yes.  What do you have control over?

We’ve chatted about this too – I have control over what I do and say and think and feel. 

So state this want so that it is something you do have control over, please.

Alright.  “I want to be able to ignore so-and-so’s bullying.” Or even better, “I want to think and feel differently about so-and-so’s behaviour.”

You’re on the right track.  How would I know that you think and feel differently? What would it look like from the outside?  What would you be sounding like?

Well, you would see me listening to what so-and-so has to say, my posture remains upright, my facial expression is friendly and I carry on with the rest of the day doing my job as always.  I would be replying to him in a calm tone of voice – like this.  Ah!  So when we ask for something, does it have to be that concrete – visible from the outside?

Yes, and for you from the inside it has to be a state of mind and body.  So I would like to know how you would feel and what you would be telling yourself while doing the things differently.

I would be telling myself: “Good show!” and I would be feeling great. 

Now the next thing is, your being able to feel differently about so-and-so’s behaviour, is it achievable in one step or must you design stations in between?

I’d have to have at least one step in between, otherwise I may not believe myself and so-and-so may get so startled by the new way I’m responding it may cause even more trouble.  Hmm – I think her and me both would best get used to something else before I go the full nine yards…

And what would that be, Francois?

I think acting neutrally would be a good thing.  I would still have an upright posture – like this – and I would listen.  My facial expression would be attentive, but not necessarily friendly.  And I would carry on with my day as always.  On the inside I would be telling myself: “Wait, listen, let it go,” take a breath and exhaling any negative things I might have been thinking and feeling at that point.

Nice!  What will it do for you when you think and feel differently about so-and-so’s comments?

I would feel better about myself, and I would be more productive.  And because I am now relaxed and friendly around other people it would be great for my relationships with my colleagues.  I’d be less stressed too!

Give me one thing that summarises all of that…

I’d be confident.

Good!  And that is enough for now.  What do you think of that?

Amazing.  Even thought this is an imaginary situation for me, it seems that if I ever again experience someone’s actions as bullying, I would be able to deal with it in better ways.  I want to remember this.  What did you do with me?

What we did was:

1.       Finding out what you want

2.       Making sure it is stated in the positive…

3.       And that it is something you have control over

4.       We checked that your desired outcome is specific and based on what you can sense with your five senses, and that it is a good state of mind and body

5.       We checked that it is not too difficult to achieve in one go and built in chunks or steps to get to what you want

6.       We made sure about what you would gain from the changes you made to your own behaviour and thinking

In effect we have ensured that your want or desired outcome was well-formed. 

So Frank, am I right in saying that making sure about all the things making up what I want would help me to get what I want?

Yes, and there’s more.  We’ve ‘designed’ a want.  We still have to fully design the things that must be in place for you to get the outcome you want to achieve. 

Alright, let me go digest this first.

Sure, we can chat again tomorrow.

Have a super afternoon, Frank.

You too. 

The Brink

…how to have patience with this blog…

This blog is about finding the best ways to learn and to express yourself and to deal with various people situations – effortlessly.  Insight is best when arrived at and not when given, so although there may be many insights offered in the conversations with Frank, room is left for your own insights and new ways of doing and being. 

How much effort do you put into eating a piece of cake?

When you have a piece of cake you don’t admire the fact that it is made of flower, sugar, eggs and what you… As a matter of fact most people don’t even care what cake is made of or how it is baked.  Sure, people interested in baking cake would wonder about that, but the rest of us just want to enjoy what we are having.  In the same way I’ll be sharing pieces of which the ingredients and creation process is not important.  Each conversation aims at providing an experience, not an analysis or deconstruction of philosophies, theories and models.  Sure, these are shared and you are welcome to go delve deeper into them if you want to.  The main purpose of sharing them is as a part of the process of arriving at a cusp – a crucial insight, an aha!

Two important points:

• The events and characters I refer to are fictional, but they may be inspired by reality, questions I was asked by someone, or some topical discussion.
•  Analogy and metaphor is the worst scientific method.  My purpose with them is to clarify a point or idea.

At times people may find the language technical and abstract.  My challenge to you is to become familiar with the concepts, to learn the names of nuances, to discover the most amazing universe of ideas and to become artful in both understanding the world and expressing yourself.  That includes emotions.  On the other hand, be assured that at some point or the other I will give plain language explanations of the complex ideas in the form of stories, examples, anecdotes, metaphors or question-and-answer dialogue.  And let me add, I still have much to learn myself, so please share your experience.

A piece of cake? 

Let me use another analogy.  When you give a man a fish he has food for a day.  Actually just one meal, but let’s role with it… If you teach him ho to catch fish, he has food for a lifetime.  People are resourceful things so this man’s neighbours quickly learned how to catch fish too and one of them even started a tackle factory.  Soon the natural resource was depleted and a much bigger community faces famine.  If the man was taught to farm with fish…  hmmm.

If you are interested in bringing people to the realisation to farm with ‘fish’, this blog is yours to read and respond to.  If you want fish, go watch television.

Anyone can absorb information and experience and become knowledgeable. Only when knowledge is shared is it useful.  When many people share and shape and refine it, it becomes wisdom. 

This is my invitation to you – to add your insights to this blog. 

Kaleidoscope of meaning

…on the way to true enlightenment...

Hi Frank.

Hi, Francois.  Back so soon?

Yes, I want to ask you something.

Go right ahead.

I just overheard my neighbor complaining about being let down by someone.  How could he possibly know the other person's intentions?

So, he assigned an emotionally laden meaning to the person not coming through for him, is that what you mean?

Yes!

We could also assign a meaning to him doing that… somewhere in the past the neighbor must have done something that reduced good will towards him… making our own conclusions about the causes.

Probably.  You know, he loves complaining, and what he complains about most is about people complaining!

I spot the irony.  Let’s not get caught up in the content here.  Note the vicious circle though.  It seems that he has the ability to read minds. 

No one can read minds.  Scientifically proven over and over again….

He is either psychic or he automatically assigns negative meanings to what people do and say.

I’d say he assigns negative meanings by default.  No one is ever good or right in his eyes except himself. 

Mmm – it may be that these behaviours resulted the other person in not helping him, but we don’t know.  I don’t want to make commit the same meta-model violation.

Good point, Frank.  Some people go beyond assigning negative meaning to a single instance of someone’s behaviour, they weave whole fields of meaning around other people.  And this field of meaning is all in their own heads, totally enclosing the object of their beliefs in meanings that are necessarily true.  The person enclosed like this may get tired of the never-true meanings attributed to them, or get scared, or just don’t want anything to do with the weaver…

OK, Francois, give me some examples.

Sure.  Hero worship would be a good example – the hero can’t do anything wrong in the eyes of their fans.  Stereotyping of any kind is also an example.  More personal, if one person in a relationship is suspicious of their partner, or don’t accept them for who they are, they may read all kinds of things in their partner’s behaviour – and act on it.  Likewise, at work, where the meaning ‘loose cannon’, for example, had been given to someone… every creative idea or challenge to the status quo will be seen as them being dangerously unconventional – a risk to the business – no matter how well they mean with their fresh ideas.

I think I understand what you mean.  Let’s look at this from the other end.  In general (big chunks) what meanings of behaviours do you think people have difficulty with?

I think people don’t like to experience other people’s actions and communication with them as pushing, pulling or scratching.

Interesting.  What do you mean?

I mean that if another’s communication or behaviour in any way intends to or could be read to intend to move us to where we don’t want to be… I just call it scratching, pulling and pushing.  You can call it cutting, kicking or punching and dragging if you like.

I get the picture.  Some of the communication acts we talked about not so long ago would fit nicely in here.  So how do people react to these kinds of acts?

…or their perception of such intentions… I think we naturally get defensive.  Perhaps the ones that are a little more aware of what is happening would stop our selves from becoming defensive.  Like we chatted about last time, unpack the emotionally laden feedback to concrete examples and respond to that.  The thing is to not get hooked into creating or accepting meanings that had not existed before and that are not true. 

What do you mean, Francois?

Let’s get back to why.  I think people need us to commit to or clarify our meanings and that’s why they ask ‘why?’ Sometimes, ‘WHY!!!?’  Note what the question does to you.

It makes me defensive.  And it makes me look for an acceptable meaning to give to the asker.  Ah!  Acceptable to whom?  So if the asker does not accept the meaning I gave them, what then?

Well, it may be that the asker does not want to abandon the meaning they have created before and this could be for a good reason, but it could also be that they stand to gain something from keeping you on the defensive. 

The second point I understand, but what good reasons could there be?

You know, Frank, we see our own actions and hear our own words from the inside and other people see it from the outside.  People with good judgment and lots of experience would ascribe relevant meanings to our actions – things that we have not considered, but which are valid.  They know the consequences of actions like ours.  From the inside, by using introspection we may ascribe certain knowledge or motives to ourselves, certain values and behaviour patterns, while from the outside, having observed our behaviour and its consequences these people may say: “Your behaviour is more XYZ than you think.”  Introspection is not infallible.

Right.  Something for me to think about…

Now, you asked me about what meanings of behaviours do you think people have difficulty with… what about the things that people like to experience or believe they experience?

You’re asking me!  Well, I’d say things like acknowledgement, appreciation… and it must be sincere.

Yes, otherwise negative intent and meanings are read into it again!

Mmm, Francois.  It seems that we can also say that people need our motives to connect to the meanings they read in our observable actions and words.  If it does not, trust exists with difficulty.

Sure, and we’ve chatted about trust at length.  What do you do when you realize that no matter how authentic and sincere you are, you are not trusted… you’ve made the other party aware that their assumptions, interpretations and conclusions about you are not accurate, but they still act on the meanings in their own minds rather than on reality?

Showing someone their inadequate reasoning is not a great trust builder.  Demonstrating integrity is better.

And if the meanings that are woven around you just continues to paint you as unreliable even though you have done everything in your power to demonstrate reliability?

Well, if you have demonstrated good faith, good intentions, reliability and it is still not accepted, perhaps cutting your losses is the wisest thing to do.

You mean that if dynamics get stuck on this point, rather walk away than trying to get it unstuck?

Yep.  The relationship is spoilt. 

I’m speechless.

The last ting I want you to think about is that we rely so much on our models and prejudices, our structures and formulas, our recipes, which we think we can neatly categorise and analyse all human interactions, behaviour, motives, values and so on and so on…  The fact is that models are just useful maps of the territory, but just like there are different kinds of maps for the same area, so we have many different models – all valid from different perspectives – about human behaviour phenomena… The thing is, the moment we put the models and maps away, the perspective loses its particular focus and all the ‘rules’ apply at once.

You mean like quantum physics, or like scientific analysis of light our expectations of what we observe influences our findings?

Yes!  Like light behaves like a wave if you do one experiment and like a particle if you do another, so human behaviour changes according to the sets of expectations we have about it.

Wow!  That throws a spanner in the works.

Not really.  The more flexible you are, the more you can adapt to whoever’s map of the world.  With genuine fluidity you would get unstuck quickly, or not get in sticky situations in the first place.

Ah, that is what we are aiming for – actualization that is fluid.

Yep.  See it like this: a master capoeirista is physically and mentally extremely flexible.  He knows when and how to get out of the way and applies just the right amount of playfulness to diffuse even the most dangerous situations.  His focus is on having a conversation in the ‘language’ of his partner.

I can just imagine how pleasant someone like that is to be around!

Absolutely.  Whatever he does, he does not spoil someone else’s experience.  He assigns no meaning to anything anyone does or says, including himself, is not taken in by meanings assigned to his actions, deeds: he is truly enligthened.

Something to aim for!

Yes.  May you soon be fluidly fun.

Thanks Frank.  And may your fluid words soften the soil and turn the kaleidoscope to reveal new, fascinating patterns and colours.

Fun and games... or war

…behaviour strategies at work, or at play…

Good morning Frank!

Hey, Francois.

How are you on this fine day?

I am good thanks, and you?

Well, I don’t want to make a topic of the weather, but let me just say this – I love the wind!  I love how it just cleans the air and how incredibly blue the sky is today.

Mmmm… August on the Highveld.

Lovely… So, what are we chatting about today?  Ah, you promised last time we would have a look at behaviour strategies.

Yes, and it is an intriguing subject…

OK, so what works best?

Hey, not so fast!  That will depend on many things.  What did you learn about communication strategies last time – what are the main ones?

Well, if I recall correctly there were assertion/domination, submission, collaboration and neutrality.

Sure, that is more or less right, although we did not talk about domination as such.  Also, neutrality can mean ‘no response’ or ‘no interaction’, or ‘non-positive’ or ‘non-negative response’…  The basic ingredients at a very high chunk of all human interactions are pretty easy to identify.  And since we cannot not communicate, let’s just say that all behaviour is also communication… It’s the patterns over time that is fascinating and can become quite complex.

Oh!  That’s interesting…. So I’m thinking that you mean that any one of these behavioural modes can be either useful or not so useful in a given context… and that a behavioural strategy – or as you put it, a pattern over time – can also be more or less effective.  Is that it?

On a very high, philosophical level, yes. 

OK, let’s break it down into experience.

Sure, but first I want to share two models with you. 

Alright – I’m all eyes and ears.

The first one is the Drama Triangle.  You know this one already.  Human interaction dynamics are often described as interplay between a ‘perpetrator’, ‘victim’ and ‘rescuer’.  That is the dark side of the coin.  On the other hand we gave the archetypes metaphorical titles that did not necessarily denote their role as clearly: Warrior, Lover and Healer…

I think I can spot some similarities between the positive and negative sides, though…

Yes, absolutely. Give it a try.

 If we place the Warrior and perpetrator (let’s call him War Lord) next to each other we see interesting things in their behaviour.  Both are leaders and both mobilise people and set events into motion, both are dominant and both are perceived to be powerful. At least, they are both forceful – compelling others to follow their lead and adhere to their vision.   

Yes…

Francois Alright, so far so good.  The Lover and Victim are both perceived to be timid, peace-loving, followers, submissive. 

Yes.

And the Rescuer/Healer is the neutral one in the triangle.

Nope, look again. 

Ah, I think I see… The rescuer is a victim that thinks they can control the perpetrator with a special brand of submission and they think they can control other victims with a special brand of assertion…  The healer on the other hand is the neutral one that does not seek to control either the warrior or the lover.  Interesting.

Yes, quite fascinating.  If you take it that we have all six archetypes within us in any case, the side of the coin would depend on whether we live in fear and scarcity or in love and abundance.

The love and abundance side seems to have more options than the other side…

True.  There is no neutrality on the fear-side.  Even choosing to do nothing is not a neutral act – it is withdrawal, passivity.

Phew!  I guess if you watch people for a while you would get a feel for which side they live on – whether their lives are heaven or hell…

What do you mean by that Francois?

I mean we create our own lives with our attitudes and behavioural patterns and if we continuously act in perpetrator/rescuer/victim mode, we would be getting responses from the same side of the coin – and that must be hell.  If, on the other hand we are continuously acting in the Warrior/Lover/Healer mode – positively or neutrally, we would be getting mostly such responses – heaven!

If life had only been as simple as that…  Let’s talk about the next model.  Perhaps it will help you to see things differently.

OK.

We can use the metaphorical names for all of our behaviours as Parent, Adult and Child –

Ah!  Transactional Analysis - 

- and the Parent can be either nurturing or critical.  The Child can be rebellious, adaptive or free.  Yes, sure – TA – although I prefer to use the model as a behavioural one and not of personality.  I mean it is useful to look at behaviour patterns and ‘games’ people play, but not to analise and classify personality types or traits. 

OK, that makes sense.  Let me see if I remember correctly:  If someone’s behaviour is in Critical Parent, for example, it will trigger an Adaptive or Rebellious Child…  If someone goes to Nurturing Parent the Rebellious or Adaptive Child may go to Adult…  Meeting Parent and Child behaviours with Adult responses will neutralize the interaction to Adult-Adult level.

That’s more or less it, yes.  But now for the interesting bit.  Like in the Drama Triangle, roles can be changed, even several times, over an interaction or over time. Adult, Parent and Child behaviours can also alternate.  And there are different patterns – sequences that may be more or less fixed over time.

Mmm – I can imagine that some of our reactions are habitual and that we would transfer the patterns from one situation to another – say for example relationships.

Yes, it is interesting how men and women move from relationship to relationship (or job to job) and the patterns follow them where they go.  This is where some people started believing that our purpose in life is to learn lessons – to break those patterns…

Frank, you said that you want me to see things differently.  So far I think I agree with what you said.

Yes.  Think about this: Not all the behaviours in the pattern are from one side of the coin, and not all ‘positive’ behaviours produce positive responses.

Now I’m baffled.

Look at this exchange: 

“Hey, could you help me gather some ideas for the party?”

“Sure, what did you have in mind?”

“I don’t know, perhaps it would be nice to go to a restaurant…”

“Nice idea!  We could go to the one on

7^th Avenue

.”

“Yes, but that one is quite expensive.”

“What about Fandango’s?”

“Nice, but too noisy.”

And so it goes on until…

“You asked me for help, but none of my suggestions seem to hit the mark.”

“What? Are you saying I’m being difficult?”

Phew!  I can see that number one may have wanted the pay-off for the other one to actually take over the arrangements… but then number 2 did something neutral, or Adult, and the first one flew off the handle with a wild assumption about number 2’s attitude.  So the pay-off actually wanted by number one may be submission from number 2, a compliment or agreement, but of the supplicating kind. 

Yep, and ‘number 2’s’ behaviour was Adult all the time, but the response he got was still rebellious.

Frank, I thought that maintaining positive or neutral behaviour will always give me positive or neutral responses!  Now I’m really lost. 

Yes, most of the time you have the control over the kinds of behaviour coming back to you, but sometimes people react to triggers that you have not noticed –it may be an ingrained behavioural pattern, an internal ‘story’ they told themselves, or a connotation with something about your communication that triggers a meaning in their minds – the wild assumption the first speaker made.

So you are telling me there is no ‘best strategy’?

Hang on, there are good strategies.  The point I’m also trying to make is that of context – a good strategy may not always work well – all depends on the context.  There are a couple of principles, though…

I’d love to hear them.  I’d actually love to try them out… in different contexts.

Sure, see how they work for you and the people you interact with.  The first one is to find out what exactly the other party wants and to get them to verbalise it.  If you get the intent or pay-off nicely out in the open it is easier not to get hooked into patterns you don’t want to be playing out with them.  Number one could have avoided the emotional trap by saying something like: “Sure, let’s put some ideas on the table first.  Then, when we are done with the list of options we can check which one would be nicest for most of the people.”

Ok, it sounds like that could work.  What do I do if someone asks me why I have or haven’t done something in a very aggressive tone – I mean yelling at me?  I just want them off my back and I don’t want to go into victim mode.  And if I stay cool calm and collected they may think I am not taking them seriously and become even more agitated.

Yes, good insight there.  If you want to make someone defensive, ask “why!?” especially in a loud and aggressive way…  And ‘don’t become defensive’ is easier said than done.  Not all people would understand reason so if you answer with your reasons in a calm way, you may still get: “What were you thinking?!”

Why?  Why, why, why…. Alright, I think it would be best to say: “At that time I thought that was the right thing,” or “…I thought that that was expected of me,” and then I would add: “What should I (rather) aim for?” or “What do you want me to do (now)?” 

Well done!  So you seem to have submitted and that you are open to suggestions and to change your behaviour and intentions – to learn in short. 

Yes, even if I have no intention of give in to their demands, I would act with curiosity as to what motives and consequences my conversation partner reads into my actions and which ones they want to see.

Isnt’ that manipulation?

Technically, no.  Someone that is in an aggressive, ‘blaming’ state is not receptive to any other point of view, no matter how logical and valid.  To get out of the way is the best strategy, like in aikido.  Mind you, getting out of the way does not mean running away…

Sure.  It ties in nicely with the next principle: that is it easier to work with a partner than against an adversary… some people are more sensitive to assertions (whether positive or negative).  Some people will take a lot of abuse and others become aggressive at the slightest hint of opposition or resistance, even if delivered in a perfectly rational and neutral way.  After a while you would know who is where on your ‘sensitivity continuum’.  Always treat the laidback people with respect. 

If I had a choice I would surround myself only with the laidback ones!

Sure, but in some circumstances you don’t have a choice – the sensitive ones and dragons can’t always be avoided so you have to have a good strategy in place to deal with their unreasonable assertions.  If you do get harsh or aggressive responses, what do you do?

To assert myself will just result in a battle and to be defensive will result in the same.  To be submissive and apologise and crawl will be terrible for me – humiliating… If I as wrong I will apologise and move on… and not again do whatever it was I did wrong.  But we are talking about unreasonable assertions… like saying I did, or intended or am something that I did not.  Mmm – I would ask a question to get more clarity.  Something in the line of: “What told you that…?”  I could either get good feedback or still get emotionally laden, non-specific stuff.  With good feedback I can work – I can change.  To get more quality feedback out of the vague stuff, I’d ask again: “You know, I’d like to work with you.  It would really help me if I know how specifically…”

You’re on the right track.  Have a caution though.  Sometimes people construct a meaning around your outwardly visible behaviour that they are not willing to give up, no matter what.

Yeah! That really gets to me.  What is the best way to deal with that?

We’ll chat about that next time.

Alright.  Are there any other principles I can apply?

Yes.  The third principle is that there are no winners and losers.  Or put in other words, if there is a winner there is a loser.  Or seen from a different perspective, if there are losers there are no winners.

I don’t get that last one.

It means that if there are people gaining something at the expense of others, the whole situation becomes a lost one.  And if both sides gain from the interaction it means that the situation resulted in a net gain – and I’m not talking the kind of pay-offs a sadist and masochist may have in mind.

Alright, now I get it.  If it’s not a win/win it’s a no-win. 

Good.  You ready to go practice?

Yes.  Bring it on world!

Don’t go look for trouble now…

Of course not.  I hope we chat again soon

Yes, this was fun.