Love, business... and the meaning of life (2)

Hello Francois.

Hi, Frank.  I must say I am excited to continue our chat about love!

How so?

I read something interesting today… People are more prejudiced when they feel bad about themselves.  To me love lacks prejudice and so I want to add another characteristic to my definition of love: that it is easier to love others when I love myself.

That makes sense.

Interesting thing, it seems that people that feel bad about themselves try to feel better by having negative opinions by others.  Suddenly that puts jibes, insults, personal remarks and so on in a very different light for me again.

Sure.  We have talked about inferiority complexes, so perhaps those are symptoms of people feeling bad about them selves.  And it can be a permanent, pervasive thing – as in the inferiority complex – or temporary and sporadic - perhaps triggered by an incident, a memory or a thought.

Hmm, I am so mindful of setting off other people feeling bad about them selves, but on the other hand I am not responsible for their feelings, states and complexes.

True.  You never criticize, insult, verbally attack or abuse anyone.  If someone wants to take your actions personally, even your disagreeing with what they do or say, it’s ‘their stuff’. Don’t rub their noses in it.  Have compassion.

I can see how pointing out to someone how they are their own source of misery won’t exactly endear anyone to you.

Absolutely.  That fits so nicely with what don Miguel has to say about the Mastery of Love.

Yes, do tell more!

Love is responsible.  Everything we say and do have consequences.  Perhaps even what we feel and think have consequences.... They generate our attitude, which in turn shape and flavour our actions.  Our choosing or not choosing has effects and outcomes.  Sometimes those outcomes are not what we intended, or we did not foresee negative outcomes – we make mistakes in other words.  You can try to pay for someone else’s mistakes (or get or let them to pay for yours) but the one that made the mistake will end up paying anyway.  Shifting the responsibility just creates unnecessary drama.

Tell me about it.  You know, it takes two to tango.  In any conflict situation I have a very strong suspicion that mistakes are always made on both sides.  In unhealthy, destructive conflict both parties are trying to shift the blame and responsibility to the other, or at least one party is doing that – trying to get the opposite number to pay for all the mistakes made. 

Sounds like you talk from experience?

Yes.  I am always willing to see my own paw prints on a situation, and I will admit that I am wrong and apologise.  I am not willing to take all the blame alone, though.  I know too many people that are unwilling or unable to see their part in the problem, or who just won’t admit it.

Do you mind if I offer you a word of advice?

No, certainly. You normally don’t… so I take it this is important.

If the other party in this kind of situation is someone prone to climbing into your character to make them selves feel better, you will gain absolutely nothing by exposing their contribution of mistakes.  Perhaps the kind of person with whom you can tango to the tune of creative conflict is very scarce, so just mind your p’s and q’s, don’t throw stones, turn the other cheek…

Love bears everything.

Yep, and love is kind.  Anger, sadness, jealousy, feeling betrayed – all of them are “fear with a mask”.  They are just different ways of feeling bad.  How can you be kind when you feel bad?  On the other hand, when you feel good, when you harbour no expectations, obligations, pity and blame, you are happy, kind and friendly.

And generous! 

And generous.  Sure, love is bounteous, abundant.       

Ah, the cornucopia of love…

*Laughter*

OK, Mr Lyrical Poet.  You’ve said this the last time we taked, but I’d like to expand on it a little: Love is unconditional.  What kinds of conditions have you encountered in relationships?

Hmm, the condition of…

·         fitting a specific image or mould.  “I’ll love you as long as you are like this or that.”

·         The condition of being controlled or controlling.  “I’ll love you as long as you are easy to handle, or as long as you keep me in my place or take the lead.” (Strange one, that)

·         The condition of being good to and for the other.

Yes, and all of those are a special kind of expectation - acceptance as long as and if you fit a specific pattern.  It is not love.  Love has no ifs. It is impossible for anyone to fit someone else’s expectation pattern.  It may seem so at the beginning – when love is still blind – but after a while the differences from the expectation become apparent and then we judge the beloved to be inadequate, unworthy.  We become disillusioned and ashamed.  Suddenly the beloved, friend or colleague is embarrassing and annoying.  When we love, we love without reason and without justification.  Love has no ifs.

So you say that we love someone as they are and they are free to be the way they are?

Absolutely.  If you don’t like they way they are then you go be with someone else whose being you like as it is. We don’t have the right to try to change people to be more like we would like them to be.  That is an ultimate disrespect.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.  Are you saying that it is OK to end relationships, friendships and other ties when we discover that we actually don’t like someone!? 

Sounds about right, yes.  Why?

Well, I can just imagine how some people are surrounded by people they don’t actually like but they fear loneliness, so they don’t go find friends or a partner they actually really like and like being with.

So, what do you think – do these people you are talking about love and know love?

I suppose not, if you look at what we’ve said so far.

And perhaps they must learn to love themselves first…

That is so sad.

Have compassion, not pity.

Alright, alright.  It looks like we’ve gathered a bit of a ‘user manual’ for love here…

If you mean a description of how love works I agree, but if you mean ‘rulebook’ there is one thing that love does not have: rules.

Frank, trust you to produce a twist in something as straight forward as love…

Really.  Where do the rules come from we create in our relationships – whether they are love relationships, friendships, work relationships or business? 

I think they come from the expectations we have and think others have of us.  So we feel obliged to fulfil those obligations and to keep the other to our expectations.  That sets up the rules of the game – I have ‘my rules for you’.  Chances are that the other party don’t know the rules and will inadvertently make mistakes – according to my rulebook.

Sure.  The truth is no-one can be what another wants them to be.  When I am authentic, honest and being myself (according to my rules for me and not your rules for me), you may be hurt, angry, disappointed.  So to avoid your negative feelings and reactions I may lie – be and act in ways that is not really me.  It makes sense if I don’t want to be judged, found guilty, blamed and punished by you.

Hmmm, I know people who would punish someone else every time they remember how that person is and acts different from their rulebook.

Yes.  Do you notice how ‘just being you’ can be a mistake?

Wow!  Now that you put it like that… I’d rather be with people that take me as I am than ones that make me a mistake.

Well put.  Where there is love there is justice.  You pay only once for a mistake (a real one).  You love yourself and so you don’t make yourself pay for the mistake over and over again – you learn from it and also forgive yourself!

That’s new… forgive yourself as you forgive others…

Now, let’s get back to business.  Think of a time and a team where you actually experienced everyone being responsible for them selves and where mistakes were paid for only once… and where everyone was accepted and liked as they are and for who they are.

I can think of a couple of examples where the teams and projects had no drama, there were no silly, petty political rules, mistakes were learnt from and everyone was kind to each other.  Well, mostly.

Sure. There will always be situations and environments that trigger people to feel bad about themselves and that will reduce the love with which they treat their colleagues… I think you get the feel for where and when there is more or less love in an organisation or team, though.

Yes, I think I can now clearly distinguish between a toxic waste dump and a league of extraordinary gentle-folk.  Perhaps a very telling difference is how mistakes are viewed.

Which is?

In a loving environment mistakes are capitalised on – how things can be done better, or even how the mistake can be useful… In fear-ridden environments mistakes cost – they cost time, money and energy that can be recovered only with great difficulty. They must be paid for in time, money, energy and suffering.

I like that!  Perhaps that is also a great indication if an abundance-reality or scarcity-reality is present.

OK, Frank – we’ve woven enough ideas into the thing called love for now.  I suggest you take a break for a while.

Do you need time to digest?

Yes, I have to backtrack to what we’ve talked about, reflect, let it simmer.  There is so much there!

So there is.  Well, let me say good night then.  May the wine of love make you always kind, friendly and without prejudices, expectations and obligations.  May your gentle forgiveness and generosity lead you into the arms of our generous and forgiving Beloved.

Thanks, Frank. And may you be loved as you love.

Love, business... and the meaning of life (1)

Good evening Frank!

Hi Francois, how are you doing?

Well, you know, my life is a bit of a rollercoaster at the moment.  One day I am on top of it all, inspired and getting somewhere, the next I am screaming my head off on the downhill.

*Laughter*

You know you can get off anytime.

Off what – life or the rollercoaster?

The roller coaster of course.  Tell me about the downhill part.

I am tired of being told that I can’t do certain things. In my world Kannie is dood - Cannot is dead. I believe that I have or can create the resources I need to achieve what I want to.  It rankles to hear that I am judged not to have the capability to do this thing and I am not given the opportunity to develop it. 

And what are you doing about it?

I am creating an exit to an environment where people are believed in and cherished to grow their strengths.

Great!  This is very pertinent – I promised we will chat about love – you’ll see in a moment what I am talking about.

Where I’m standing now it does not look like love and business is compatible…

Perhaps.  How would you define love?

There are so many ways!  Friendship is a kind of love, platonic love… There is romantic love… I don’t know if lust is a kind of love (I sometimes get the idea that most people’s idea of love is the sexual kind)… and there is the love amongst family members.  There is also the higher Love.  And perhaps materialistic love – I love my car!

So there are many different kinds of love.  What is love?

You are asking me to define something poets and philosophers refuse to define.

Give it a try.

OK, I’d say love is a more or less deep, unconditional emotional attachment to a wide range of objects – from mundane material objects to abstract objects – ideas and ideologies. I would have loved to say that love is the source of psychological pleasure, but Khalil Gibran had a point when he said that even as it enfolds you in its wings, the sword hidden in the pinions wounds you. 

Why do you say unconditional?

If the attraction, attention, loyalty and attachment are not unconditional, it is not love – it is something else.  The Apostle Paul had lots to say about love being unconditional – love does not brag, does not keep track of mistakes, and is not conceited, jealous or touchy.  Love does not chase self-interest and is never glad about injustice.  Love is patient, friendly, gentle, hopeful, forgiving…

Now that you are quoting so freely from the Bible, what did Jesus say about love?

He said that we should love God, and love one another like we love ourselves – Love is the only law.  Some say the meaning of life is to experience, but it may just be that the meaning of life is to love.

Yes, but what does that mean?

Well, to start off with, we should love ourselves and not love ourselves more or less than others.  I think we forget that our ‘neighbour’ is not only our friends or the people of our church, mosque, religion, country or time.  Looking after the earth means loving future generations.  Christ also said: “Love your enemies.”  And if you want to know about the Love of God, chat to Rumi.

Now here comes my trick question.  What does a business look like that runs on love?

I doubt that something like that exists!  Business is all about conditions: you do stuff for me and fit this mould and then I give you money, status, belonging, satisfaction, possessions…  You know even Jesus had little hope for rich folk. The rich young man did not follow him.  I guess they became rich because they were business people so perhaps even today camels pass through the eye of the needle easier than business people…

At least today we have a monk that sold his Ferrari.  OK, it looks to me you are convinced that love and business is mutually exclusive.  Are you?

Convince me otherwise if you can.

To change your mind about this is up to you.  What I will do is share the insights of don Miguel Ruiz in the Mastery of Love that made me think that there may just be businesses that actually follow another track.  He writes about relationships… I saw wider applications.

OK, I’ll listen with both my ears and the ear in my chest.

He starts off at the same place we started with: respect for someone else’s map of the world.  It looks like love is blind to our own maps of the world!  Well at least at times it is… when we behold the beloved we pay attention with our whole being to that person’s life world.  This goes hand in hand with love not having obligations or expectations.  Love makes us want to, not feel that we have to.  And it we don’t expect anything in return.  We don’t have an expectation of how things should be – we accept it as it comes.

Ah, yes.  Expectation can be disappointed and we blame our disillusionments and disappointments on the other person or circumstance – never on our expectations.  And if I feel obliged to do or be something I become resentful after a while and try to escape the obligation I forgot I imposed on myself, blaming the other or the situation once again.

Yep, those are the consequences of obligation and expectation.  Something else don Miguel says is that love is ruthless – it does not feel sorry and has no pity, but it does have compassion.

I can see why he says that.  Compassion is grounded in empathy and rapport – respecting the other’s map of life.  Pity comes from having judged someone to be hopeless, helpless or worthless and that is the ultimate disrespect.  Ah!  Self pity must then be a sign of disrespecting self.

Sure.  What I like what he says is that compassion lets us say: “You are strong and intelligent enough to make it. I know you can do it. If you fall, I’ll give you a hand.  Go ahead, go for it!”

Amazing!  So different from the patronising: “You can do it!” with no belief in the person’s abundance, resources and capabilities to back it up. Or even worse: “You can’t do it, try something easier.”

That’s enough for now.  I’ll share the rest when we chat again. 

OK, so just let me see if I got it so far… I can add to my list description of love that it has no obligations and no expectations and that it is ruthless.  I can see how this is true for relationships.  I still have some difficulty about love at the workplace.

Alright.  Think for a moment about the times and places where you loved what you did at work.  I bet you felt you wanted to do what you did; you did not feel obliged.

Sure.

Did you have a clear expectation of how it should be, or did it happen naturally, organically?

It just flowed.

Did you have a fixed expectation of what the outcome would be?

We had clear goals that we worked towards.

Great.  You aimed for specific results.  What else did those results bring you?

Ah, I see what you mean - the consequences of what we achieved… We were acknowledged for the effort.  And we got paid more than expected!

Nice!  Who are we?

The team.  The achievement I am talking about was a project a whole bunch of different people worked together on.

I hazard a guess and that is that the team members supported each other, believed in each other, but never wallowed in pity if someone slipped up or had a bad day. Am I right?

How did you know!?

Well, the lack of expectations and obligations is a very strong indicator for respect being present.  Respect means you will get compassion, not pity.  No-one needs to beat around the bush.

Sure. And no-one beats you with the bush either.

*Laughter*

Yes, feeling the need to put someone in their place, cut them to size or hurt their feelings so that they comply with your expectations come from a position of weakness and fear.  Can you have compassion with that?

Ruthlessly.

So now, what do you think – can these ‘principles’ of love also be applied in business?

Yes, sure.  Some times and some circumstances can allow love to come forward, but I’m not yet convinced that all times and circumstances can be love filled.

Alright, so next time we chat I’ll share some more of don Miguel’s wisdoms and then we talk again.

OK, Frank.  Now I am going to surrender to a condition of being utterly without expectations and obligations.

Ah, sleep well, Francois.

Good night, Frank.

Love and business

 

Hi there Frank!

Hi Francois, I hope you are well rested and ready for 2011.

Oh yes!  I’m freshly inspired and I can feel I will be really creative this year.

So what are your new year’s resolutions?

I don’t have any.

Really?  Didn’t you look back at 2010 and think about the things you have accomplished and the things you still want to accomplish?

If I do that only once a year I’ll get nowhere.  I check my coordinates at least once a month.

Coordinates?

Yes.  Like when you are using a GPS to reach a destination… there are sets of coordinates telling you that you are on the right track.  That makes it easy to know if you are off course.  As I said, if I have to do this once a year I’ll be off the map completely.

*Laughter*

OK I get it.  Nice segway so by the way… We are going to be chatting about love and there are basically two tracks you can be on: on the path of love or off it - even in business.

You mean you are either in love or out of love?

Ah, no.  You can be in love and not on the path of love… we’ll get there.  Let’s talk about business first.

Sorry, I don’t mix business with love!

Sure, most people don’t.  But there may be a way to do business with a mindset of abundance.

Whoa, Frank.  You just jumped from love to abundance!

Yep, I did.  Have you ever noticed how people who are deeply in love lacks nothing.  The world is beautiful, they are happy with everything, especially their beloved.  They are carefree, lost in the raptures of the moment.  And it seems that this bliss will last for ever, nothing can worry them.

I’ve been there.  And you want people to feel like that about business!?

Why not?  Haven’t you noticed that the really successful people - those that inspire us to be better at what we do for our customers - are passionate.

Ooh, you are playing with words, Frank.

Of course I am.  Haven’t you noticed that people who are passionate about what they do make it seem effortless, like playing?  If they experience a problem, an abundance of solutions seems to be at hand at the same instant the problem appeared… There are always opportunities, business booms even in ‘bad times’.  Life is rich and beautiful!

OK mister inspiration, lets get back to reality.  For business to do well you have to be able to exceed customers’ expectations most of the time.  As a matter of fact, it is nowadays an expectation that expectations must be exceeded.

That is one reality, yes.

There’s more…  Say I do business with you and we agree that I will deliver ‘20’.  My obligation is to deliver at least 20 and your expectation will be met, but you may not be happy.  If I deliver 19.99, I have not met your expectation.  My product or service is rated as poor.  If I deliver 25 for the same price I barely exceed expectations – you will be ‘satisfied’.  If I deliver 30 for the same price, three days before the deadline and even in places where other people will not go, then I’ve exceeded expectations significantly and I am rated as a provider of excellent services or products… or entertainment.  You are ‘delighted’.

Hmmm-

And there is more.  The same principle is used to judge the contribution of employees.  I meet your expectations, I get my salary.  I don’t meet them, I get fired in all the legally direct and indirect ways acceptable in today’s business world.  I exceed expectations (AKA performance objectives or targets, but some expectations may be more social and psychological), I get quicker advancement, more pay, awards, rewards, bonuses, recognition… call it want you want.  I call them carrots.  Sticks and carrots – that is the hard reality of business.

Can I have a turn now?

Sure. 

It looks like you are really passionate about that picture as the reality of business today, but I sense an undercurrent.

You sense correctly.  I don’t like it!

Do you have any ideas about an alternative way to do business?

Well, yes.  I think Macgregor’s Theory Y type of business is far more rewarding on an intrinsic level.

Theory Y?  What is that?

It is a mindset – the belief that people like work, enjoy work and are challenged by it. 

As opposed to not liking work, being intrinsically lazy and needing to be forced or manipulated to work?

Yep. That is Theory X type workplaces.  And carrots and sticks are ways to ‘persuade’ people to produce.  Theory X managers believe employees are somewhat stupid or gullible and would avoid responsibility at every opportunity they get.

I see.  Go on.

Theory Y says that work is as naturally enjoyable as recreation and rest. If an organisation’s objectives are understood well and the environment encourages creativity and ingenuity, working people will be self-directed. They are committed to achieve those objectives when they are recognized for contributing to the business with their own growth. Working people typically seek responsibility and are able to handle it in an environment which encourages creativity and ingenuity.

Nice!  That kind of business is the abundance generators I am talking about.  – What is wrong, Francois?

Most business I am exposed to seems to be on the X track!

That may be so.  There are businesses that have made the switch to Theory Y thinking, if you know where to look.

How did they do that?

Well, that answer will take more than a couple of our conversations to put to bed.  I have a couple of Ideas, though… starting with the Love Guru.

There you go again- mixing love with business…

Let me leave you in suspense until next time.  Then we can chat about how Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Mastery of Love can be applied to all relationships, including those between employer and employee and client and business.

I am looking forward to that.

Alright, now for some rest and recreation – it was a long day.  Please bring your inspiration with you again next time.

The corruption of absolutes

Hi Francois, how are you doing today?

Hey Frank, I feel good, thanks.  After our last chat I thought about being stuck… and flow.

Do you want to share?

Yes, sure.  Can we chat about love and fear some other time, though?

Alright, as long as we get to it.  What about being stuck struck you?

Well, I noticed how someone talked to and about another person. “You are a big-picture thinker; you think like this…”  And to someone else he said: “You are detailed oriented.”  That made me wonder: Is that really so?

Good point.  To me it looks like he states his opinions as truths.  Does it bother you?

Well, yes!  I mean the information he so liberally sprouts may be inaccurate and downright offensive.  What if he is so convincing to others, stating his opinion forcefully and not allowing any other opinion to stand next to it?  And what if that opinion about someone is negative? “John does not know what he is doing.  Jack is impudent.  Sally is lazy.  Suzy is a hard worker, but not very smart.”  You know, in business and education I’ve seen it so often that people base their judgment of an individual on what an ‘opinion leader’ said – a gossip or someone as opinionated as the example we are talking about. 

Hmm.  I see what you are getting at.  From what I heard this person assigns his opinions on the identity level, and they may not be accurate or acceptable.

There’s more. 

Tell me.

He also has the knack to ‘read’ intentions into actions.   I sometimes stand astonished about how far those deductions of his are from what I actually intended or wanted.  I ask myself: Do my actions and what I said and my body language really give the impression that I had that intention?  It overlaps with the identity thing.  He sometimes says: “I can see you are depressed/unhappy/etc,” and what I or the other targets of his conclusions were experiencing or expressing at that moment is very far removed from what he saw.

Phew!  You know, people are entitled to their opinions…

Sure, and they are responsible for them too.  It is a problem when those opinions are inaccurate and are bandied about as the truth, and when they do damage.  We’ve chatted about this – I am responsible for what I say; you are responsible for how you understand it… What I say may be bullshit and others may eat it as the truth because it is dished up in a compelling manner. 

You want to know what I think?

Please.

You know the Meta model… this person perhaps does not know it or don’t care to apply it.  So he does not know the irrationality of a ‘mind read’ or ‘complex equivalence’ or ‘cause and effect’ or the ‘expert’.

That does not matter.  Isn’t it common sense that every other person experiences life from a different angle? I can never assume that anything that is true for me is true for them. To me not acknowledging someone else’s map of the world is the ultimate form of disrespect. As I am the centre of my universe, so everyone else is.

Francois, are you going to change the way he talks?

No.

Are you going to change the way he thinks?

No.

Are you going to change the way people that listen to him understand him?

No.

Are you going to change what he believes about the world, you and other people?

I’d love to, but no.  If he had been open to a conversation about this, I would have broached the subject gently.  I concluded that he hates any challenges to his way of doing, seeing and what he believes about others.

Perhaps most people are not comfortable with having their reality and beliefs questioned… So what can you change so that you cope better with his ‘truisms’?

Well, I can ignore their aura of truth and take them as opinions.  I would love to ask the question like: “how do you know?” or “what did you see that tells you that?”  As I said, I think these would be seen as a challenge and not as an attempt to get high quality information…

Sure. Pick your battles carefully.  There are two wonderful tools you can use in most (other) situations.  E-Prime helps you to keep your language personal and experiential and to interpret other people’s language as such.  So instead of saying, “The food is good,” you can say “I like the taste of this!”  And if someone else says, “This is good”, you can ask an unobtrusive question like, “What do you like about that?”  The last question is an example of Clean Language.  You don’t contaminate the other person’s experience by saying something like, “Yes, it is quite special” while to them it is perhaps ordinary, but still enjoyable...

I can see how things may be ordinary and still be good… Yes, this will help. Thanks.

Yep, it will help you to get unstuck.  There is one more thing to remember to create more flow.  What do you think of this: “His fear gripped him. That lead to aggression, and in the end his guilt was unbearable.”

Interesting.  How do I really know it was fear, aggression and guilt?  Where did they start and how did they grow to become what seems to be entities?  Hey, they aren’t things!

Right, they aren’t things they are processes.  When we deal with them like concrete entities that is what they become.  We get stuck inside this thing called fear – a nominalisation.  Flow, on the other hand, means that we view the process as something with a start and an end, inputs and outputs, relationships, causes and effects, various intensities, opening and closing of loops, strategies, and some form of resolution.

Wow. 

Yes.  How do you do fear? And joy, peace and love? 

Do you have time and red wine?

What for?

To discuss each of those and set the world to rights.

Ah.  Now, tell me what do you think – how do people learn absolutes and how do they learn flow?

Interesting question.  This is a guess and an opinion.  Perhaps conditioning contributes more to the ‘if this then that – and only that’ types of responses and perhaps experiential and exploratory learning contributes more to the ‘and what then?’ types of responses.  Having an open mind suddenly has new meaning for me!

Sure.  From what you said it looks like learning and living with an open mind has certain results and learning with a restricted or restrictive mind may also get results.  Someone can achieve excellence with conditioning - perfecting a technique or mastering a sequence of movements, tasks or activities, for example.  Another person may also explore and create new ways of doing the same things (or other things).  I can't say that they are mutually exclusive.  Perhaps they form a continuum, and perhaps different people have different preferences - perfection/creativity...

Yes, conditioning and creativity may even achieve the same results, but for me there is a qualitative difference.  The process of learning and living with an open mind, with wanton curiosity and respect for the reality of other people just seems to be so much more enriching. 

Sure, and you may have a preference for novelty and variety...

There is another difference for me.  When I focus on getting the most out of someone else’s experience, my ego is out of the way.  Forging opinions into truths, for me, seems very egotistical.  Sure, mastery and perfection are admirable...  but not acknowledging that there may be other ways - good ways - of doing things, seeing and thinking... to me that looks like being blinkered by arrogance.

What looks like egoism and arrogance may be something different, it may be habit, and it may be fear... 

Yes, it may be that too.

So next time we chat about love and fear, right?

Yes, let’s do that

When to quit

Hi Francois.

Hi Frank!  I’d begun to think you had left for good.

Oh no, I’d just been hunting for new insights.  I’d been stalking ideas and learnings from many angles.  And I fished in pools of deep reflection for new relationships between them.

From the length of absence I take it you had been very patient. Did you catch anything?

Yes.  All the waiting and watching… I caught something that eluded me for some time.

What is that Frank?

Hey, I did all the hard work and now you expect to just get it… just like that?

Come now, Frank.  I made the environment possible for you to go hunting and fishing and trapping in the less well-known forests and mountains of the interior.

True.  OK.  Have you ever noticed what happens when people lose hope?  I mean, the process of losing hope.

Yes, I’ve seen it a couple of times.

And have you noticed what people do when their situation becomes unbearable – when fighting back did not work, when adapting did not work, and where trying to change the situation did not work? 

Yes, some people seem to break and others escape.

Well, I know people that might argue that breaking is a form of escaping…  I’ve noticed that there is something that seems to hasten the point of escaping.

What is that, Frank?

The moment someone tries to rescue the person in this unbearable, hopeless situation, it is as if this act of kindness, or even of the ‘oppressor’s’ relenting… it is as if that little bit of hope offered has exactly the opposite effect.  It pushes the sufferer over the edge.

Wow.  I’ve never thought about it that way.

There seems to be different levels of intensity of this, of course – from someone ready to commit suicide to someone just giving up on a small project.

Surely you can’t generalize and presuppose this as part of every giving up?

Yes, I don’t know if it is pervasive, but I did recognize a bit of a pattern… perhaps worthwhile to explore further.

Why do you think this happens, Frank?

I think there is a complex interplay between hope and victimhood.  Perhaps, the moment someone steps in to rescue it is a clue that the person really is a victim, and that is the trigger for the break or escape response.

Alright, I can see that, but what about someone just giving up on a project, or a relationship?

Ah yes, let’s explore that.  Let’s take training a dog as an example.  Say you bought a new puppy and you started training him.  He is very slow on the uptake.  As a matter of fact, he is the stupidest, laziest, clumsiest of all the dogs at the dog school…  At what point would you give up on him?

I’d not give up on him, but just stop wasting time to train him.  Now, if he’d been a danger to me and people around us, then I’d give up on him.  But if he had a good personality I’d not summarily get rid of him.  If my livelihood depended on him, sure, I would have to get another, smarter dog.

It seems there are a couple of things you considered, and if I can summarise it in one phrase it would be: what is to be gained and what could be lost.  Interestingly you would keep the dog on if you would not lose something even though you don’t gain anything – in a given context.

True.  If the dog has a good personality and is not a drain on my resources or a danger to me and people around me, then I’d keep it as a pet.

Aaaah… as a pet there is still gain.  There’s companionship.  Say the dog was a bad companion – he never greeted you, never played, only slept and ate.  What would you do then?

I don’t want a dog like that, not even as a pet.  It would have to go.  You know, even if it was the ugliest mutt in the world and it was a good companion, I’d keep it – that is if I needed doggy companionship.

Interesting. So we have different kinds of giving up here – giving up on being something, giving up on doing something and perhaps giving up on someone or something because they don’t fulfill expectations or pose some danger to you…  Perhaps underneath these there is one thing: giving up on yourself trying to accomplish something. 

If you strip it to the bare bones, that may be it.  It still seems paradoxical and complex, Frank…

Yes.  Isn’t it ironic then that, when things seem really hopeless and we are ready to give up but not giving up yet… when someone steps in to help us here, when we are thrown a bone, or when our burden is lifted slightly… isn’t it supremely ironic that these things are the final straw? 

Hmm… It is as if we had been straining against a weight and it had actually kept us from jumping overboard.  The moment the weight lifts a little, we jump, instead of taking a breath and looking for other ways to remedy the situation.

Sure.  And sometimes we escape to a better situation, and sometimes it’s from the frying pan into the fire.  Some people wait a long time before they jump ship and others leave early.  Some may be staying longer because they feel helpless and hopeless – victims – and other may be staying longer because they don’t see themselves as victims and have hope that their determination, hard work and attitude will win through for them.

Aha!  When is it healthy to give up, Frank?

Interesting question!  Many of us had been brought up do or die: Never Give Up.  Don’t quit.  Life is about winning.  So let’s get back to the dog.  At what point will you decide to stop training it, or replace it?

The moment I realize there is no way that the dog will be or do what I expected.

So next time you buy a dog, what will your expectations be like?

I’d still have the same expectations, but I will be much more careful about how I choose the dog.  Perhaps there are things about a puppy that would tell me that it is going to be an intelligent, obedient and companionable dog, if those are what I wanted.  So I’ll learn how to look for the signs of those things so that I choose a puppy with potential. 

And even then you may be disappointed… something may happen along the way that prevents the puppy from reaching its full potential, something even of your own doing. 

Sure, but I don’t focus on the potential disappointment, or risks or dangers.

Nice.  Say you got bored with the puppy or there is some other more important thing to give your attention to…

Hmm.  Obviously if my livelihood in some way depended on dogs or on the dog, boredom won’t be factor.  So we are talking about a pet and a hobby.  And it is not as if I’d be giving up on the dog itself – he still has the potential but I may not be developing it to the full.  I’d be giving up on the activities… the training and so on.  OK, in this case I think my expectations would have been unrealistic. Perhaps I knew what was required and I had not realized the time frame – for how long I would have to keep it up.  Perhaps I expected more than what could actually be achieved.  And perhaps the personal gains were just not satisfactory enough for me to continue training and using a dog.  My expectations were too high.  Maybe I’m just not that into dogs.

*Both laugh.

Alright, Francois.  Let’s get back to being backed into a corner, completely and hopelessly…

You know what they say, nothing as dangerous as a cornered animal.

Yep.  Do you think animals and humans react differently when there is no way out?

I don’t know.  I’ve never cornered an animal to such an extent that they just gave up, sat there and did not even try to defend themselves.  For that matter, I’ve never done that to a human.  I would imagine that an animal will fight back to the last and perhaps lash out very aggressively, but I don’t know enough about animal behaviour to say for certain.  Who would want to press another being into such a spot anyway?

You’d be surprised.  Sometimes, if the dog had not delivered what was expected, the master turns cruel and instead of giving him to someone else (with lower expectations) he beats and mistreats the dog in the hope that the dog will leave by himself.

Knowing how loyal dogs are, I don’t think that is a good strategy.

Sure.  But still these people will mistreat the dog. They will find some perverse pleasure in taking out their disappointment on the dog.

As if it was the dogs fault!

Watch out.  There are more people like this than there are people who always act out of love and kindness.

Hmm.  One moment you have a nurturing and gentle master or partner and the next they turn into a sadistic savage, the Perpetrator, and you find yourself with a fight or flight choice… Does not matter which one you make, Victim seems to be branded on your forehead.  You can refuse to become a victim, but in the mind of the ‘persecutor’ you are to pay for your inadequacies, for as long as possible or until you remove yourself from their presence.  So what do you do if you suddenly realize that the person you trusted, followed and adored has suddenly turned into a rabid predator?

Perhaps prevention is better than escape.  We could learn to spot the potential for viciousness and avoid it, though I doubt that it would be easy.  When it comes to taking yourself out of the situation, it also is easier said than done.  We may genuinely love the person, or be in no position (financially or otherwise) to take your stuff and go.  I think Oriah Mountain Dreamer had something to say about that. 

I would love to hear more about the way of love and kindness.

Sure, next time we can talk about that.

You know, reality hit home quite hard with this conversation, Frank.

How so?

Perhaps my faith in axioms like “the truth will set you free” and “love conquers all” had been shaken.  Perhaps my belief that there is something good in everyone unconsciously exaggerated the goodness all people possess…

Hmm.  Nest time we can chat about that.

I’d like that.