Ask and you will receive (I)

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho

Hi Frank!

Good morning, Francois.  How are you on this fine day?

I am well, thanks.  How are you?

I am curious.

J  As always.  And what are you curious about today?

Well, I’ve been thinking about wanting and needing…

I thought they are more or less the same thing.  Aren’t they?

Well there are some people that would argue that we have a hierarchy of needs, but how specifically we satisfy them depends on what we want.  For example, we all need shelter, but where we live depends on what we want – the kind of space the family would occupy, the status attached to the home, aesthetic considerations, practical considerations…

Even though we may want to live in a mansion, we may not be able to afford it, Frank.

Sure!  And even though we may want to hit someone hard, something about the person, the situation and our culture may prevent us from doing so… So, you see, what we want to do or have and if we actually can do or have it, that is the question.

To be…

…or not to be…  That is another question. 

You mean we can be anything we want?

Yes!  If you can imagine it, you can be it…  And if someone can do something, so can everyone else.

He Frank, this sounds very nice.  I have my doubts though.  What’s the catch?

Doubt.. trust… hm...  There is a specific way of asking to get or to become what you want.

I thought so.  Well, how do we approach ‘wanting’ to be sure that we get what we want?

Firstly, we must know what we want!

OK, wise guy.

I’m serious.  There are many situations where we don’t really fully know what we want or we have not yet decided what we want.  So the first step is to state, clearly, and even if it is not yet perfect: “I want ___.”

As simple as that?

Yes and no.  When we say what we want it’s not useful to state what we don’t want and get stuck on all the things we don’t want.  You can’t get something that is a non-thing.

What do you mean?

For the next couple of seconds don’t think of a purple sheep.

Ah Frank, no!

You thought of one at first didn’t you?

Yep, and then I made it white…

Your mind has to create ‘the thing’ first and then delete or change it so that it exists as a negative or alternative.  That is why, if you tell a child “Don’t do that,” they go ahead and do exactly that.  Adults, if they are startled out of rational processing in the frontal lobe of the brain and the fight or flight reactions of the more primitive parts of the brain kicks in, will react in the same way.  So it is important to state what you want as something concrete or at least something positive.

Phew!  So if I don’t want someone to do something… I tell them to rather do something else without startling them?

Yes!  Good insight.  But wait, there’s more.

Does it come with additional free accessories?

J J

When you want something, make sure you want it for yourself.

For who else then?

You know, I’ve heard this one so many times before: “I want so-and-so to stop bullying me!”  What do you think of that want?

A great thing to want, but… it’s negative…

Sure.  What must so-and-so do instead?  So rephrased it would be: “I want so-and-so to be nice to me.”  What’s wrong with it now?

Hmm, I have very limited control over how nice so-and-so will be towards me.  We’ve chatted about that before.

Yes and yes.  What do you have control over?

We’ve chatted about this too – I have control over what I do and say and think and feel. 

So state this want so that it is something you do have control over, please.

Alright.  “I want to be able to ignore so-and-so’s bullying.” Or even better, “I want to think and feel differently about so-and-so’s behaviour.”

You’re on the right track.  How would I know that you think and feel differently? What would it look like from the outside?  What would you be sounding like?

Well, you would see me listening to what so-and-so has to say, my posture remains upright, my facial expression is friendly and I carry on with the rest of the day doing my job as always.  I would be replying to him in a calm tone of voice – like this.  Ah!  So when we ask for something, does it have to be that concrete – visible from the outside?

Yes, and for you from the inside it has to be a state of mind and body.  So I would like to know how you would feel and what you would be telling yourself while doing the things differently.

I would be telling myself: “Good show!” and I would be feeling great. 

Now the next thing is, your being able to feel differently about so-and-so’s behaviour, is it achievable in one step or must you design stations in between?

I’d have to have at least one step in between, otherwise I may not believe myself and so-and-so may get so startled by the new way I’m responding it may cause even more trouble.  Hmm – I think her and me both would best get used to something else before I go the full nine yards…

And what would that be, Francois?

I think acting neutrally would be a good thing.  I would still have an upright posture – like this – and I would listen.  My facial expression would be attentive, but not necessarily friendly.  And I would carry on with my day as always.  On the inside I would be telling myself: “Wait, listen, let it go,” take a breath and exhaling any negative things I might have been thinking and feeling at that point.

Nice!  What will it do for you when you think and feel differently about so-and-so’s comments?

I would feel better about myself, and I would be more productive.  And because I am now relaxed and friendly around other people it would be great for my relationships with my colleagues.  I’d be less stressed too!

Give me one thing that summarises all of that…

I’d be confident.

Good!  And that is enough for now.  What do you think of that?

Amazing.  Even thought this is an imaginary situation for me, it seems that if I ever again experience someone’s actions as bullying, I would be able to deal with it in better ways.  I want to remember this.  What did you do with me?

What we did was:

1.       Finding out what you want

2.       Making sure it is stated in the positive…

3.       And that it is something you have control over

4.       We checked that your desired outcome is specific and based on what you can sense with your five senses, and that it is a good state of mind and body

5.       We checked that it is not too difficult to achieve in one go and built in chunks or steps to get to what you want

6.       We made sure about what you would gain from the changes you made to your own behaviour and thinking

In effect we have ensured that your want or desired outcome was well-formed. 

So Frank, am I right in saying that making sure about all the things making up what I want would help me to get what I want?

Yes, and there’s more.  We’ve ‘designed’ a want.  We still have to fully design the things that must be in place for you to get the outcome you want to achieve. 

Alright, let me go digest this first.

Sure, we can chat again tomorrow.

Have a super afternoon, Frank.

You too.