Knock, knock!
What do you want?
Hey Frank, even if I wanted something you could give me I would be very reluctant to ask now.
How so, Francois?
There was no connection between us. Sure, we know each other very well and we chat regularly… this was just a little abrupt. And who says I want anything? We could just chat, or even keep quiet together.
J People always want something. Or put in another way – all organisms with complex nervous systems are continuously faced with this one question: “What next?”
OK, I see. Everything we do has some want behind it. Still, that was very abrupt of you to ask what I wanted.
How would you have preferred it to be differently?
Well, for starters I’d have liked us to greet properly and then to chat a little – find out how you are and tell you where I’m at… you know, things like that. And then, if I wanted something I would either come out and ask it right away or tell you something to demonstrate my discomfort or confusion about something and let you help me design a want like we did last time.
Sure. Can you guess what the point is here?
Hmm… I guess it is that there are specific conditions for us to actually say what we want. There must be some sort of contact between us, and if I am the one asking, I must know that you are approachable and that you in some way can help me to get what I want. Also – I must both trust you and have confidence that you will be able to give what I want.
Spot on! There are two more things, when it comes to helping people finding answers within themselves that are important – rapport and unconditional positive regard. In other words we must be on the same wavelength and I must express no prejudices or judgments.
Interesting!
Yep. It is very important that the ‘helper’ or catalyst is congruent and that there is congruence between the asker and the catalyst. So even before we work together to find out exactly what it is someone wants and to get a full picture of that want, the person helping must be in a comfortable and confident frame.
I would not ask if that is not so. Last time you said that if you want something the outcome and the process to get it must be designed carefully…
Yes, and we have completed the first step of that – stating what the want is. Now think about this – if you wanted an ice cream, or you needed rest, how do you know that you got what you wanted?
I would be standing with a Magnum in my hand, or I will feel refreshed.
Now slow down your telling yourself “I want an ice cream”. What do you notice?
Ah. I made a picture of myself eating the Magnum, and with it there is a feeling… the cold, creaminess on my tongue and feeling … mmm, well… satisfied. And there is a taste and smell – vanilla and chocolate. I love how the chocolate crust cracks!
Now I want one too! J So even before you have bought the Magnum you have set up the experience for yourself… You created the criteria that told you that you got what you wanted. Does that make sense?
Yeah. I sort of created a mental template.
Nicely put. It is more than mental, though… your whole body is now expecting that experience – not just your mind. And the richer and the more compelling the expectation, the easier it is to know that you are getting what you wanted, plus the more motivated you are to get it!
Mmmm – I can dream about having the ice cream but perhaps I don’t have the time or means to get one... What I want must be realistic.
Sure, and we’ll get to that. Yesterday we talked about making sure that the outcome of the want is sensory based – in other words it can be experienced through your senses, and we used the example of bullying… Can you remember what the outcome was that we were designing?
Yes. It was to think and feel differently about so-and-so’s behaviour.
Now there are two places the feedback or evidence would be coming from that would be telling us we are getting what we wanted – from inside yourself (that feeling of satisfaction) and from outside (seeing, hearing and feeling different things from what used to be).
That makes sense.
If I only have internal evidence, it may not be completely realistic… Sure it is an important expectation, and in the bullying case, so far, that is the desired outcome. In the ice cream example there had been both internal and external criteria – seeing the magnum in your hands and experiencing the first bite… and how you would feel about that.
Hm. Yes, I can relate to that.
So now let’s expand this expectation a little… where, when and with whom do you want it? Let’s work with this one: Where, when and with whom do you want to think and feel differently about so-and-so’s behaviour?
I’d say the where is at work, but also when I think about what happened when I am at home… the when is at any time, and the with whom is especially when surrounded by work colleagues, but also when so-and-so is present and doing her thing.
Doing her thing? Are there times and situations where her behavior is not bullying?
Oh, yes. Most of the time. It is only when she unfairly criticizes me in front of others, call me names and when I feel humiliated by that that I feel bullied.
What specifically must happen to trigger you thinking and feeling differently? What is your cue that this is now the right moment to have this outcome?
I must be hearing the edge in the tone of her voice.
We’ve checked yesterday, you are not in control of her behaviour – you just want to think and feel differently about it… Now let’s deepen the criteria for the outcome. How will getting the outcome of thinking and feeling differently about her behaviour affect your life?
Well, I’d be happier and more relaxed and I would be able to do my job.
And how would it affect the people around you?
It would make me less grumpy, less snappy… so I guess I would be easier to get along with. Yes, I would be a more pleasant person for others to be around.
And feeling and thinking differently about her criticism and name calling… is there a way that it could cause you trouble?
Perhaps if I ignore it, it will make her even madder. And if she was giving good feedback and I ignore it, it could cost me my job!
We don’t want that! Thinking and feeling differently would definitely change your behaviour, you are right. So what specifically do you need to think and feel and do? How specifically must you react when what specifically happens?
Alright. When she talks to me in a normal tone of voice and use clean language – no snide comments, accusations and false assumptions, then I’m fine. When she talks to me in a normal tone of voice with the accompanying nastinesses, I’m also fine. I can choose to ignore them or ask a gentle question to find out how she came to specific conclusions. So far so good.
Resourceful, yes.
When she talks to me in a loud tone of voice with an edge, or when she yells… normally I freeze, I can’t think and I just shrivel and go along with whatever she says. And I resent myself for that. However, if I stand up for myself, even in a rational and calm way, she gets even madder.
Those are the things you don’t want. What do you want?
Ah! I want to remain calm and rational. And I want to react to her in a neutral of friendly way and at the same time feel that I am still ‘intact’.
Perhaps a piece of advice here – it is best to mirror and match her intensity (without taking on the emotions) and then gradually calm your voice and become more neutral. That way you lead her out of her unresourceful state. Being too calm and neutral may look like you don’t care about what is being said and that would make her even angrier.
That sounds nifty. Makes sense.
It is – works very well in many situations. What do you need to tell yourself to be able to act in that way?
Let me see. “Stay calm and focused. Breathe.” She lost control of her emotions and made her own conclusions which are not necessarily valid. I could also tell myself – I can choose: “Ignore the hooks and blades. Respond to the facts.” “Remain authentic and congruent.” “Surprise her with an act of kindness.”
Good! What is stopping you from already thinking, feeling and acting differently in the ways you said and in the situations you described?
Phew! On the one hand, nothing - now that I know what I know and what I want. On the other hand… I think that programming takes over when I hear that edge in a voice or when people jump to unfair conclusions about me.
Would it be OK to call what you have to do to be able to think and feel differently something like ‘breaking the old pattern’?
Rather ‘breaking the programming’… or ‘installing a new program’. I like ‘installing a new program’.
What resources do you already have to install a new program to feel and think differently when you experience so-and-so’s behaviour as bullying?
Resources?
Yes, inner skills and capabilities, attitudes and characteristics that would help you in this situation.
Mmm – let me see. I have resilience – I quickly bounce back after anything. Intelligence. I learn fast. I am patient. Calmness – I’m mostly a calm person.
Good. And what additional resources do you need or need to create?
Aikido.
Please explain.
Aikido is about getting out of the way… not about hitting back, and not even about defending yourself. So what I want is the agility to get out of the way of oncoming punches and the confidence to stay put without defending.
Nice. How are you going to get there?
I am going to think of all kinds of scenarios and situations, based on what happened in the past and could happen again… and picture myself thinking, feeling and acting differently. So that is how I reprogram myself.
Good!
Like yesterday, please tell me what exactly it was that we went through.
OK. Yesterday we designed the outcome, the desired state, and made sure it is well-formed. Today we added:
2. We built in an evidence procedure that you can measure your success at getting the outcome against.
3. Then we defined the context for the outcome. You know, in some situations we may want things that we don’t want in others – so we made sure that the boundaries of the outcome is in place.
4. We checked the ‘ecology’ – in other words whether the outcome would be good for you and the people around you. Sometimes the things we want or the ways we intend to get what we want may cause us trouble and then the motivation to get to the desired state may be reduced, or we may be stopped in our tracks. So to make sure that the desired state is realistic, achievable and ‘right’ we check ecology.
5. We also checked for hindrances and stumbling blocks. In your example we reframed a stumbling block (old programming) to become part of the solution (new programming).
6. In plan or strategy the resources you have and need must be defined so that when the work starts, the building blocks are ready to be used and momentum can be maintained.
7. Lastly we checked for how you will get what you want – the steps you would take.
So, I have a well thought out plan and now I just have to put it into practice. I would have loved it to just run by itself. How am I going to remember all of what we talked about?
Yep. Some people go for hypnosis for the plan to run by itself. An NLP process, where the practitioner uses various techniques to reprogram and trigger the new behaviours is also an option. You could also just mention this specific outcome now in your prayers. A wise and playful shaman would offer you a story – some fable or fairy tale that has bearing on your situation and helps your other-than conscious to connect the plan to the new behaviours.
So many options…
The good news is that just having made the plan you will already start seeing a shift.
Really?
Yes. We so easily get stuck in a limited and unresourceful way of thinking about a thing that having gone through a session where the stuck state is loosened by defining the outcome is well, broadening, deepening and anchoring it in reality and in your own capabilities. You get much of the flow of aikido just by doing this.
Wow! I can’t wait to see what happens next time I get into a situation where I might have seen it as bullying in the past.
Good point. We worked with a realistic but imaginary issue. It seems that it was useful to you in any case. Are there other situations in your life where this outcome may be useful to you?
Oh, lots. Arguments with family members or friends… Being treated badly by a service provider… When my neighbor starts complaining… When a teacher or instructor criticizes my work or style…
You will notice that from today onwards, in many small ways and in the situations you have mentioned and in others, you will be surprised and delighted when the new programming kicks in to let you think, feel and behave in those. You will notice the surprises and delights and the effortlessness with which the programming runs.
Thank you!
And thank you. We chat again soon.
Bye, Frank.
Bye, Francois
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