Congruence and authenticity… being true and true to yourself. Where do you draw the line? How much learning and change can you lead people to and where do your learning and change begin?
Hi Frank!
Hey, Francois. How have you been the past couple of days?
I’ve had much to think about and much to process. And just when I thought I mastered being the change, I experienced someone being exceptionally mean-spirited. Other than that, I find myself in a very good mood most of the time!
Great to hear the last part. You seem to be getting what you were asking for because your attitude is positive, there is some energy behind it and it is moving in a direction that is good for you and the people around you.
I would like to believe that yes. No, let me scrap that and rephrase: I believe that, yes. I would love this to be the case at all times, and I do wish that I could handle this person better.
Perhaps this is just a mean and nasty person and you should accept that.
No Frank, I don’t know of many people that see themselves as being mean – not even this guy.
So is he mean or are you experiencing him as mean?
Does that matter? The meaning of our behaviour is the response we get (and may I add, how other people feel about it even when they don’t respond), so my reaction is valid, isn’t it?
Sure. So if you continue experiencing this person as nasty, why don’t you just leave? You have the choice to surround yourself with the kind of people you experience positively, don’t you?
Oh I would like to, but I have this hunch that there is something I need to learn here. In the short term, that will be my approach. I can’t change this guy, and I have changed my attitude. The cutting behaviour seems to be so deeply ingrained and he does not even notice (or care, I think) what effect his behaviour has on other people. Oh, I don’t let it get me under – I’m no victim. But I am in no position to confront this person. You know, he not only tells us what to do, but also how to do it and when we don’t do it exactly like that, he goes mad. When we ask questions to find out exactly how he wants things done to avoid his outbursts, he has another outburst because he does not want to do our thinking work for us. Or he forgets what he told us to do and what not then flies into a rage if we did not meet his ever changing expectations.
What makes this guy the ‘top dog’?
Positional authority. If his rules are not obeyed he cites it at bad performance and a bad attitude. We all know ways to do things in better and faster ways, but that is too much of a threat to his sense of ‘rightness’. So, because he is the judge of how well we are performing and decides on our increases and so on, we have to abide by his rules. Make no mistake, he is highly experienced and an expert in his field, so there is much to learn from him. So he also has authority based on his knowledge.
Are you applying the SCARF model?
Yes, and it works, most of the time.
Do you feel like you are being authentically you at this point in time?
No, definitely not. I have to walk on eggs all the time. Apart from that, everything I do and say is shot down as being of inferior grade: my paradigm is narrow, my work is on the detail level and not conceptual, I’m not thinking or thinking ahead. If it had not been for our chats I would have been feeling very miserable right now – pretty worthless, as a matter of fact. So to answer your question, no, I am not being fully me and achieving according to my value and experience. And I’m not the real me.
What does being inauthentic mean to you?
To be something I’m not, acting in ways that are not natural to me. This could either be trying to be smart, or trying to hide my true self behind an accommodating façade. In this case I’m hiding behind a mask that is obedient, non-threatening, and insipid. I feel emasculated when I wear this mask – and yes, I know I chose to do so to keep the peace.
What is your true self like then?
I’m energetic! I’m fiery, challenging, provocative, inspiring, fierce! I’m creative. I’m unstructured, unruly. I’m wooly and scary! *laughs*
Is that what you believe what you are, what you want to be like or what other people think of you?
Hey Frank, lighten up. It is all of the above and none of the above.
Yes, it is when what I say and do and think and feel are aligned – when I am in rapport with myself.
So it sounds to me that when you wear a mask like that, your being and your behaviour is out of synch.
Absolutely.
Do you think that so-and-so is wearing a mask of any kind?
No. A-ha! So here I am being incongruent while I’m dancing to his tune and he is perfectly congruent.
It is to be able to put myself in someone else’s shoes, to look at what they experience from their eyes, their frames, with their feelings and beliefs. I don’t have to agree with what they do and how they do it, or with what they feel, or take on their state. I don’t even have to understand it.
Yes, good summary. It is also a kind of as-if frame, or perceptual position, if you want. Would you say that so-and-so lacks empathy?
Perhaps. I can’t say whether he just drives people very hard and acts as a hard task-master or if he genuinely does not have empathy and is blissfully unaware and uncaring of the impact his behaviour has on others. That would be pathological, won’t it?
Sure. Would you say that Hitler was congruent?
Wow, what a question! Well, I think he believed so firmly that he was right that he just may have been very congruent… Yes, I think he was! But something prevented him from seeing the other side. I mean he must have known the probable consequences of his actions, policies and doctrines on the peoples he conquered – surely he considered those. Something must have stopped him from connecting to the suffering as experienced by them and the impact it would have on the times to follow – he probably had no connection to that, had not been able or willing to empathise. I guess that he really believed in his nation being superior and the suffering of any inferior people as inconsequential.
Perhaps. Yes, he was absolutely congruent, but that does not make him right. What would you say about the people that accommodated his views and actions – who were flexible around it?
The ones that went along with him knowing that it could not be right, or ignoring it?
Yes, those.
Well, most of them suffered the consequences themselves. Many lost their lives during those years… and after.
Yes, and how congruent do you think they were?
Ah, Frank! I think the ones that knew in their heart of hearts, who were able to empathise, or at least to put themselves in the other side’s position, were very incongruent.
Some of Hitler’s officers tried to convince him otherwise, and when he did not budge they arranged for him to be assassinated. He survived the attempt.
Frank, they wanted to be rescuers. Besides, that kind of extreme measure is unnecessary and in Hitler’s case only strengthened his resolve.
Sure. One way of getting someone to strengthen their beliefs about something is to attack that belief – they will defend it fiercely and so the belief is strengthened… Also, some people see resistance to their progress and ideas as evidence that they are on the right track… So what do you want to happen in this case Francois, bearing in mind congruence?
I don’t want to ‘go along with it’ just to keep the peace, Frank. I want to be fully congruent. I would like so-and-so to change or at least to change the way he behaves at times, but I’ve decided to accept him and his actions, to allow for it. As I said earlier, there is something for me to learn here.
Why don’t you want him to change?
If anyone wants him to change, forget it. If you want him to change his beliefs, that is hard work and you need to be persistent. If you want him to change his behaviour… remember, behaviour change permanently when beliefs and values change… What do you think must happen before he starts changing his behaviour towards all of you? He must want to change it. No-one will change anything if they don’t want to. And how will he know that he wants to change something?
Yep. His behaviour must not give him what he wants. He must experience some difference between the effect his behaviour has and what he expected it to have. He must experience incongruence! It must be more than cognitive dissonance and it must be set up in such a way that resolving the cognitive dissonance would result in the Benjamin Franklin effect and not in rationalizing.
Frank, I don’t want to point out what he must change. It may just strengthen his resolve to do more of that.
Yes. And people going along with him and being nice with him…would cause him to believe he has a fan club. What other options are there?
Now it’s just a question of finding my equilibrium – the balance between being myself and adjusting my behaviour to so and so – and being authentic at the same time.
Well, to leave the country… although that would cause me to be labeled as ‘self-confessed enemy of the state’. Or to do something so outrageously unexpected that it completely breaks the old patterns.
Nice! Remember that whatever you do should not threaten his SCARF. Now why is it so important to you to change this one person’s behaviour towards you? Certainly there are many others that either like you or leave you be. You don’t need everyone to like you – that is irrational.
Yes Frank, I agree. You know, a long time ago a very wise mentor of mine told me that 3 out of 10 people would be easy to get along with, 4 would be neutral and 3 would be difficult. I don’t think I need this person to like me, really. What I see is that he treats everyone the same way, so what I would like is for him to lighten up a little, to acknowledge people’s maturity, excellence and talents and not treat them like children, like dirt or second-class beings.
OK, let’s walk through your challenge… you are in a situation where someone is in a position of power and treating people really badly, but not noticing the effect he and his behaviour is having on them. He is probably getting things done, avoiding risks and disasters and producing results that are acknowledged or appreciated by others – so he has no reason to change and may see the price of change as too high.
That sums up the other side more or less.
And you… feel incongruent if you go along with this bad behaviour, you’ve learnt not to oppose it, and you don’t want to leave the team, but you feel that you have to get insight across somehow to get him to change his behaviour.
Between the devil and the deep blue sea…
Yes, unless you change the way you think.
Think… what do you mean?
I’m sure you would love to know how to balance being authentic, being just your self and being congruent with adjusting your behaviour or your outlook – being flexible.
Oh, yes! Especially when dealing with someone who is authentic, but not mindful of the impact it has on others.
Here is a model that summarises what we had been talking about...
Ah, thanks!
Here is a model that summarises what we had been talking about...
Alright, next time we talk I’ll have my thoughts ready for you on that. In the mean time, put everything we talked about away from your consciousness and let it start to grow wisdom.
Huh?
Never mind… and not too much mind. J Just trust that the answers you need about this will be there when you need them.
OK, that I can do. Until later, Frank.
Good night, Francois.
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