Good morning, Francois!
Good morning, Frank. You sound very chirpy this morning.
Yep. I have a fabulous question for you.
On my empty stomach!
It’s not so bad, you’ll see. Get yourself a nice cup of tea.
Alright, ask away.
Francois, do you think you are better than other people?
Talk about a bucket of ice water in the face on a winter morning! My answer is yes and no. Of course I think I am better than other people – in some respects. But in others other people are better than I am. Or if you look at from a higher level, I, as a person, am no better or worse than anyone else. You know, some people have more money than I do – and in this regard they are better off than me. And vice versa. I have talents that few other people have and I am good at certain things, but then again, so does everybody else. But if you mean whether I think that I am in general in some way superior to other people – the answer is a big no. So where does this question come from?
It’s not coming from anywhere, but it is going somewhere. Ready for the next one?
Frank, from you I expect nothing less. Yes, alright.
How aware do you think people are of the impact they have on others?
The classical EQ question…
No, not exactly.
I think some people are not aware and they don’t care, some are aware and they don’t care, some are aware and they care, some are not aware, but they care. I also think that some people know they should know and care, but don’t have the skill to apply this knowledge, or there may be other things preventing them from it.
Like what?
Fear, perhaps.
OK. We’ll get back to that. I am sure that you have a map of some sort of the people in your life – a constellation so to speak – and that you may classify some people as generally negative and others generally positive… What is the difference that makes the difference for them?
If I think about that… mmmm… I can take a shot at an answer… I think the positive people believe in abundance and the negative people believe in scarcity.
Wow! Profound statement, that. What exactly do you mean?
What I mean by the negative people believing in scarcity is that they have to fight for everything, they believe in a zero-sum reality – you have to pay for what you gain… everyone pays for what they gain. So to gain anything there is someone else somewhere that may lose and would be protecting what they have and you have to really fight them to take away whatever benefit it is you are seeking. From people or from life – they believe you have to wrest the best out of life, squeeze it, milk it, and even then it yields only drops. So they complain about how hard life is, about how difficult people are, about how they are being exploited and being kept in their place, coerced, watched, hoodwinked.
Phew! I can see how you don’t want to surround yourself with people like that if you could choose…
Yes. It may be a truism, but I read a quote that said, show me the people you surround yourself with and the books you are reading and I will tell you what kind a person you will be in five years. Just one thing… I don’t believe people are negative per se, just that their beliefs make them act and talk negatively – that belief in scarcity.
Ah, I see. And tell me about people that act and talk ‘abundance’.
They firmly believe that there is enough around for everyone. Enough love, enough air, enough recognition, enough time. There are enough good things for all and then some. What they have is enough, even though it may be less than what other people have. They are givers. They don’t expect anything in return. And to me there is a difference between truly positive, abundance people and bliss ninnies. When things are not OK, they acknowledge it. And they react differently from negative people – they say: “Well get through this, richer!” and mean it in terms of experience gained and shared with other people.
They don’t fight for what they have? In any way? How do they look after themselves?
No they don’t fight, they work. Work is not a battle for them. In any case, in my experience no battle has ever been won by any of the parties. If one loses, both have lost something. I have never won an interpersonal battle. Yes, I have had some contests of will, and it may happen again in the future, but turning them into a battle is not wise.
So conflict is to be avoided at all cost?
No, conflict is natural and often necessary. It is how the conflict is resolved that makes the difference. It can be done in a creative way where both parties are winners.
Say for example I booked a ticket for a sports event, and when I get there the seat had been taken. Someone had taken you for a ride, or the other person…
You see, that is why it is good to always be early!
*both laughs*
No, seriously. There will always be someone somewhere that is dishonest, greedy etc – the scarcity believers. Let’s say it was me that bought the fake ticket from a reputable seller. I would take it back to them and ask my money back. That is if there wasn’t an open seat somewhere else and I could still watch the game. If I had bought the ticket from an unreliable source and I knew it, then I should not complain about not getting the seat. You know, I might even go and claim my money back, and tell all my friends about my experience. I will feel better if I talked about it – well, that is what is popularly believed – and my friends will avoid falling in the same trap I did.
Mmmm… and that will create a situation where the reputable seller loses business.
Sure, and they can turn it around by ensuring that they sell valid tickets.
OK Francois let me put this to you in another way: we can’t all drive in the fast lane. Even if it is filled with fast cars, the sheer mass makes it slow, and then sometimes people drive cars which can’t maintain the speed in the fast lane, slowing everyone down.
There are an abundance of lanes on the highway! Everyone will get to where they need to get to. The question is how we make it safe, or unsafe, for the people around us. Or pleasant, or interesting, or nurturing, or peaceful… or exciting…
The abundance believers sound too good to be true!
Oh, they are – in the sense that it is not easy to always keep up the behavior. Sometimes the consensus reality of scarcity also creeps up on them.
So, what do you think is the difference that makes the difference here?
Once again I think it is fear.
OK, explain.
Fear drives many, perhaps most people… fear of losing something, fear of not having enough, fear of rejection, of not being good enough, of not being the best… fear of the unknown, fear of not measuring up. The beliefs linked to fear perhaps always start with I – I must win, I must have enough, I must succeed, I ought to have the most, I must not be ridiculed, I always need to seem competent… Or ‘they’: they are going to dislike me, they are going to chase me away, they are going to laugh at me… So I look at myself when I am annoyed about not being respected and I ask: what fear is underneath this? Do I need someone else’s respect to feel good about myself? Only if my ego is addicted to it…
So fear is the ultimate evil…
Oh, no! Fear of danger is quite healthy – it actually keeps us alive. But we imagine so much possible danger to us from countless sources that we constantly feel that we need to fight to survive. It’s unnecessary. Be scared of real dangers, yes. So I would rather say the devil is in the fears we conjure for ourselves.
So, if fear is the cause, what effects does it have?
Mainly I think fear creates mistrust. If I am fearful of people, or the unknown, I may mistrust them, be suspicious. It is one thing to be careful, but to live in fear of what might happen or might be done or thought about you – to me that is sheer madness. Also, I think fear underlies all aggressive behavior – fear of losing something gets people to preemptively strike, or they may lash out if they feel that something dear to them had been violated. So, if for example a man holds his competence as a high value, any insult or perceived insult to his competence would cause a reaction.
How would an abundance-believer deal with it differently?
Interesting question… mmm … and I see how easy it could be to fall into the trap of: I’m the better person here. An abundance-thinker would not react negatively to someone telling them that their skills (or their product, or their work…) are not good enough. There is always something we can improve and if the other party genuinely sets a high standard, the abundance-guy has enough time, energy and intelligence to learn to do things better. No sweat. Even if they must hear: “YOU are not good enough,” they can take it down a level or two and find out how specifically they don’t measure up and learn to close the gap.
And if your abundance-guy knows in his heart of hearts that what he offers is very good and that the criticism is unfair?
The best thing is not to get defensive and remain in abundance-thinking. Chances are good that the critical party will come around to see the standard of work, or skill, or product at some point in time. If that does not happen, then the abundance-guy knows that there are ample people elsewhere that may just appreciate what he has to offer.
So let’s stretch your abundance-guy a little more… he is a superabundance superstar. And let’s pit him against the most fearful, distrustful and volatile superhero you can imagine.
Ah, you want him to fight?
Yes!
For what?
For what’s right and good! For himself, or because his values had been violated.
OK, Frank. Do you think he will do battle?
Aaah. No.
You see, the opposite party’s distrust will not go away if he fights, and if he doesn’t… well: “what is he hiding, or planning?”
So you say he loses even if he does not fight!?
Yep. The win-win solution for this dilemma would be not to get involved with the megascarcity-guy in the first place.
So he’s better than the scarcity-guy?
No, Frank. He copes with life in a different way, but he is not a better person.
OK, I don’t get this. The scarcity guy may be destroying people’s lives and livelihoods, whereas the abundance guy creates an environment for healing and growth for all he touches, and you still say one is not better than the other.
Their actions and the outcomes of their actions can be compared, sure. How do you judge people? By the outcomes of their actions, or by their intentions, by their authenticity? If judging is to be done, then let the ultimate Judge do it.
Let me get back to something you said earlier… not to get involved with the scarcity-minded in the first place… How would you do that?
Oh, they are easy to spot. In their communication with you they do one or more things from the start. They try to scare you, or impress you, or dazzle you, or intimidate you, or amuse you, or control you. You’ll get messages like:
- “This is how things are done here or this is how I am – fit in or go away”
- “ You will comply with the following protocols, rules, policies”
- “This is the best place/I am an expert at – the rest is bad/toxic”
- “If you don’t do it according to my rules you will cause damage”
- “OK, let’s have some fun around here” – which also implies a lack or scarcity of vibrancy…
How are abundance people different?
They are also easy to spot. As a matter of fact, people like to be around them. I have the knack to fall in love with them, utterly and completely. Not the romantic kind of love, more like Rumi fell in love with Shamsudin… an absolute trust, adoration and respect… I start glowing by just thinking about that!
OK, that is you. How would someone else be able to spot an abundance-believer when they met one?
They want nothing from you and want to give you nothing. They are interested in who you are and what is great about you. And if you tell them your problems they never offer solutions but let you come up with your own. They let you heal yourself if you need healing, and let you learn what you need to learn without teaching. If they have to measure you, say for example in a business situation, they will set the boundaries clearly and guide you until you are comfortable with the limitations and performance asked from you; in short, they set you up for success.
Seriously, do you know people like that?
Oh, yes. One or two.
It seems that you have your model for abundance/scarcity guys all worked out…
It is a model, yes, and like most models dealing with people, it yields certain insights and even changes in awareness and behavior. In reality all of us move in and out of scarcity and abundance consciousness all the time, with some people mostly in the one or the other, and I dare say the greater majority of people more or less balanced.
Right. Phew! Today I need the rest after our chat…
Hey, you started it with a bang.
True, true. I was curious – as always.
As always. Now, I’ll let you go, but tell me first, why did you want to know about fear?
If you know the disease you may find an antidote. You gave me an idea about the antidote for fear.
Really? What?
Love.
Gmph!
Yes, and a way to know if it is present, or absent… So thank you for that.
A pleasure, Frank. Rest well.
Thanks – you too.
No comments:
Post a Comment