Trust

If this is your first visit to my blog, please read the intro.

After having done Morning Pages for a while, Frank came to me.  I felt him as a gentle presence, his voice very familiar.  Frank is an Idea, and like all ideas (as such) he is real.  He does not pretend to be divine inspiration.

 Frank's mission in existence is to become more than a figment of my imagination, to contribute to man's understanding of self.  So, he told me: "Expand understanding.  Write down and communicate everything I tell you."

At first I was startled. There was something like a voice in my head, but it was not easy to make out words. I considered listening more closely or perhaps to just ignore the nudging feeling towards the side of my mind. Curiosity. With me it is always curiosity that prompts me to open up to new experiences and ideas. When my curiosity then moves on to something new, the usefulness of the idea will ensure its survival... So I thought, let me turn on my ears inside and listen to this half-voice that is more a feeling than a sound.

Frank: At last! What took you so long?

Me: I don't know. How long have you been trying?

That was a rhetorical question. You and I have to talk, that’s what is important right now.

About what? Who are you? 

My name is Frank, and… we are going to have many conversations on many subjects.

...Conversations with Frank. What happened to God?

Oh, that is a subject of many of our conversations, but not tonight.

OK, Frank, about what do you need to have a conversation with me… tonight? 

Trust.

You’re not giving me much chance to get used to the idea of chatting to some invisible and strange… what… person, thing?

I am no stranger to you, Francois. I am as much part of you as your heart or your bone marrow. 

We’ll see. 

No we won’t. You’ll just have to trust me that it is so. Which is why I first of all want to talk with you about trust first of all. You don’t trust anyone easily, do you? Do you trust yourself?

I think I do. I mean I have no intentions of cheating or harming my self! I am pretty sure that I am honest with myself, that I have integrity, that my mind and body works more or less predictably and benignly… congruently. I can trust myself around other people – trust myself to think clearly, act responsibly, to have intentions in line with my values and what I think is good for all present. I am sure that I am authentic, not deluding myself in any way. But you are right, I don’t trust others easily. I’ve just been disappointed too often, and I’ve also been scared by what other people can think and do.

Guilty until proven innocent…

No, it depends on how close the people are to me. Someone I have no emotional attachment to is neither guilty nor innocent – they just are. So I can’t say I trust or mistrust them. The people close to me are people that I trust. Trust is earned and it is mutual.

Good! But there are people you don’t trust… 

Sure. I don’t trust anyone who says: “Trust me.” If I suspect someone of manipulating me (or anyone else, or a situation) I lose trust immediately. If someone is doing conscious and artificial things to gain my trust, I start wondering. 

You know how these things work: “The untrustworthy is ever mistrusting.” 

Frank, you are now scratching something that is not itching. I am not coming from a place of distrust. My distrust is also earned. I know that the best way to make someone trustworthy is to trust them, and the best way to make someone untrustworthy is to distrust them and to show it.

What lets you know you trust someone? 

That is a good question – better than what I think trust is… All the books I’ve read say wonderful things of what trust is but I’m more concerned about what it does. For me trust is when I firmly believe (closer to ‘know’) that the other do not intend to hurt or harm me, and if they can help it would not do so; that the other would not abandon me (if it is someone whose presence I value in my life); would not ridicule me or laugh at me especially if what I did or think is off the mark; that the other would not cheat me, stab me in the back or bad-mouth me; would not use devious ways to manipulate me to do anything I normally won’t or which is to my or any other person’s detriment. I can only believe these things of the other if they don’t do them to me or others. What lets me know I trust someone is that that person had proven to me that they can be strong where or while I am vulnerable. 

It sounds like you believe the opposite of trust is fear.

Perhaps mistrust is a kind of fear, but the absence of the fear does not imply trust. As I said before – there is a neutral position. The stronger the fear (be it fear of being harmed, discredited, abandoned, ridiculed…) the weaker the trust. Generally I don’t fear these things from people that do not know me – their intentions, thoughts and words have no context and therefore no meaning, really. And I believe most people are not out to cause other people physical harm. So rather say I am careful, not fearful.

OK, I think for now you’ve learnt enough about trust. We can continue again after you’ve reflected about what you learnt.

Hey! Who did most of the talking?

Exactly. The teacher asks the questions, the student answers. One who talks is no teacher to one who sits and listens. M: So now you are my teacher?

That I am too. This was an easy conversation but it left you exausted and with nothing much more to say. You will learn to have better conversations as we progress. For a first conversation this was enough. Rest well.easy conversation but it left you exausted and with nothing much more to say. You will learn to have better conversations as we progress. For a first conversation this was enough. Rest well.